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September 29, 2005

Playing GOD is nt as easy I thought it would be.

I have never been very religious. All my life I ve done what has been asked of me by my parents when it comes to religion. If there’s a word to describe a cross between an agnostic and a theist, that’s me! I never had the courage to say I am an atheist as I had lots of exams to clear and was too chicken not to trust God. Especially taking a major you did nt want to in your undergrad and then doing masters in the same field and then hoping to pass all these exams requires trust in God. It cannot be achieved otherwise. So I was like this until I graduated. I got married soon afterwards and blindly followed all the religious customs and traditions. Once out of India I had some choice for the first time in my life and I chose not to follow any traditions plainly of out my laziness. Then after a while I started missing home and all the stuff and started doing Poojas during festivals and mainly cooking all the goodies we used to make at home.

Now I am a mother and I have been experiencing a new revelation. Every time I do something for Ashu, I can’t help but relate it to God. It seems like every question I had about the existence of God and his ways if he does exist is being answered. So many debates I used to have with my mom and bombard her with questions and argue so fiercely that she will end up crying and telling me that I ll understand one day. I think that day is here and now.

Here are some instances.

--> When Ashu cries, I don’t know why she is crying and what to do to console her and I try many ways to soothe her

--> When Ashu cries, I don’t pick her up instantly. I wait to see if she will quiet down on her own.

--> If I am busy doing something, it takes a while for me to go to her. Yes, I can stop what I am doing and go to her immediately, but I don’t!

--> I know she will happy if I carry her all the time, but I don’t!

--> I know she will be quiet if I give her the pacifier, but I give it to her only when it will be convenient for ME.

--> She is the most important thing in my life but I want some time alone too.

--> She does nt know that it’s for her own good when she’s being vaccinated. She knows only the pain.

--> I desperately want her to be perfect among friends and family and gain a good name.

--> I want to be her best friend.

--> I love her unconditionally.

Hence the title!


Anonymous said...

And you "created" her!!
Perhaps thats why in the deepest of our selves, we overselves are the "GOD" that we are seeking elsewhere.


B o o said...

You just summed it up perfectly Lakshmi!

Anonymous said...

Whew! That was fast!
And i think perhaps inspite of all the difficulties, being a mother is a great revelation that GOD is not really something "external", but it
is the entire creation itself..just the miracle of your baby proves it to you every moment!


Anonymous said...

Good one Laksmi...very Well written :)

Boo Moms are girls best friends


Savani said...

i sooo realate to the undergrad stuff.. sooo do. And vaccinations.. funny how you see god there. because i do too. they are incapable os seeing beyond their present pain.. but we "know".. just as I believe some divine providence knows more than the current pain we can see..

The Visitor said...

I seem to have missed this post. I get your point about playing God. However there's a difference, God is supposed to be omniscient and all powerful too, but you aren't, so God has no excuse for lapses.

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