27.04.2022

 Dearest Ashu,

17. One year short of a legal adult. Just one more year of childhood. Give me a moment here to contemplate my life. …… Fine. Lets move on. This year has gone by in a blink and I am not sure it sunk in that you are 16 yet before another birthday has zoomed in. Whats the rush? School has consumed your life and whatever time is left over, we either ignore each other or quarrel. As soon as you open your mouth, I see disrespect and cynicism. And when I do, you see anger and disappointmentl. Match made in heaven, that’s us. If not for your father and sister, I wonder how anything would get resolved between us. They both are the solid rocks to our tidal waves and I hope you appreciate them for all they do for us. I analyse my behavior constantly and feel regret and guilt and like a colossal failure as a parent.  I would die for you without a second thought and at the same time, can’t bring myself to be more patient with you. What is it that is wrong with me? Nothing in particular but everything in general, you might say! Yes, I see my faults in you. At the same time, you are also the favorite part of me.

You have such a morbid sense of humor and a healthy dose of pessimism. Deadly combo, that. You should come with a warning! This one time we were discussing the point of life and your sister who has nt yet been disillusioned with life by high school was giving me quite a peppy answer while you commented, “there’s no point. we are dead already". And I turned to Antu and said, “Please hit me in my head if I ever ask her anything anymore” and without missing a beat you quipped, “Can I do it for her?” Ha. Ha. Ha. I was making a photo album for your grandparents a few months back and under the family photo, I had written “Putting the fun in Dysfunctional” and thought that was quite witty. Until you came back from school and commented, “More like putting the fun in Funeral”! I rest my case. 

We had such fun having a family reunion at our place in October and after the pandemic panic, it was so nice to see you and Antu with your grandparents, aunt and uncle. We have not been out of Swiss in the last 3 years and finally bit the bullet and traveled to Sicily earlier this month and we had a fantastic time. I will never ever take travel for granted again. Nor should you. You have grown leaps and bounds in the cooking and baking area. Being a total perfectionist helps. But at the same time, be kind to yourself too when something does nt go your way. Be patient and don’t give up easily.  You take fantastic photos but hate it when I take pics of you. You love to cook but eat very less. You like school but are a grumpy bear on weekdays. You are a bunch of contradictions and a riddle wrapped in a mystery and as you grow older and older, I feel I know you lesser and lesser. Guess, that’s every parents journey and I hope I have the grace and dignity to accept it. Give me time.

The only time we bond is when we watch TV. And we have been doing that quite a lot this year as you are interested in all kinds of movies and shows now. More so than before. You nagged me and Antu to watch the Avengers movies with you if we want to watch the new Spiderman and Doctor Strange movie and after some initial resistance from me, we did a marathon for 10 days straight and watched that many movies and by the time I watched Endgame, a fangirl was born. (Black Widow is your favorite Avenger. Captain America is mine!) WandaVision followed next and now I am hooked. We watched Secrets of Dumbledore recently and were collectively disappointed. Even though for completely different reasons. (Give me more Grindeldore!) Nothing like art and entertainment to bring people together. One day, I will be able to wish you a happy birthday without choking on my own heart but that day is not today.  Happy 17th Birthday, Kannamma! I love you 3000.

Love,

அம்மா.

27.04.2021

Dearest Ashu,

STOP PRESS. You turn SIXTEEN today! How in the world am I supposed to cope with this? I can’t even drown myself in alcohol since I don’t drink! But wait a minute, you can!!! You are legally allowed to drink wine and beer in this country from today and if that is nt a sobering thought! Sixteen is special in many cultures and the only Tamil culture that refers to this age is in the movies and most of the time, girls this age fall in love with a stupid boy, lie to their parents and elope with the said boy. So please refrain from doing any of them. You graduated from middle school and got into high school this year and its a big deal in the school system here. You chose the school you wanted to go and the subjects you wanted to take and made so many important decisions in your life. I am so proud of you. This fierce independence streak is something I admire in you. Please do ask for help when you need it though. There is no shame in it. Help is always given to those who ask for it. Not only in Hogwarts, but at our home too. Anytime. Anything, Anywhere. OK?

Our long lunches together have rapidly decreased ever since you started high school and I miss them dearly. Weekends and holidays are the only time we got to spend time together and have fun as you have lot of school work. You are complaining that you don’t have enough time to read for pleasure anymore and its heartbreaking. You are listening to lot more music though. You are keeping at it with Violin and Tennis and Table tennis and all the stress-baking, of course! Due to the pandemic, we have been traveling within the country for the holidays. Since Swiss has no dearth of exotic places, there were many hikes, many lakes, a week of skiing and snowboarding, day trips and what not! They were sometimes accompanied by sulking and complaining and tantrums and resistance. Its a task to get you out of the house. You drag your feet, steal my socks, tease your sister, try your fathers last ounce of patience. But you relent. You listen. And I am thankful for that. You do you. We will get by. 

I call you selfish a lot of times. "Its always I, me, myself with you", I say to you. But when I actually sit and think about it, you are far from it. I know for sure I did nt do even a fraction of what you do when I was your age. Its not just doing the laundry. Its also folding the clothes into neat little squares and taking them to each persons room and leaving them on their bed. Its not just making two cups of tea for me and your dad. Its the perfect ratio of ginger to milk to sugar. Its not just baking a cake for each one of us. Its the personalized touch in each one of them. Its just not setting the table for a special dinner. Its the napkin folded into flowers and the exquisite taste in decorating. Its not just recommending a secondary school for your sister. Its the research you do and the pros and cons you list. I can go on. I am sure you get the gist. If and when you do something, you give your 100%. I am the selfish one to want more. I am sorry to be so greedy.

The other day we were joking about something and JK Rowlings name was mentioned as it invariably does in our household and you said, “I don’t like her that much anymore”. It could be because of JKR’s Transphobic comments or something else, I am not sure now. But it was a huge moment for me. I told you how this “cancel culture” is very prevalent these days and quite toxic. One can say, "I like JKR but I don’t like some of the things she says”, instead of a blanket “I hate her” comment. No one is perfect. People would nt be people without flaws. This strive for perfection whether its the physical look or the mental strength or that amazingly shot insta photo or the perfect grade in a school test, its impossible to expect it from people including oneself. We make mistakes. We learn. We forgive. We are forgiven. Life would be so dull otherwise. So please overlook the flaws and find the goodness in everyone. And forgiveness is so underrated. We forgive not because the other person deserves it, but because we deserve peace. I wish you all the peace and happiness in life, Kannamma! Happy sweet Sixteen!

Love,

அம்மா.

27.04.2020

Dearest Ashu,

Yet another year gone by and you turn 15 today amidst interesting times. The last 6 weeks of being cooped up together in our house with the four of us with just a break here and there and we both have nt attempted to murder each other. As yet. I am so proud of both of us. Not just for these past weeks but the whole last year where I finally feel we have grown up in our tumultuous relationship. You are showing much maturity and I think Im inching towards being patient. A big phew and all that! That does nt mean you are nice or anything. You are the reputed snark queen in the house and sarcasm could be the lowest form of wit but its your choice of weapon to wield! Oh and how you wield it! I used to get so annoyed with your utter lack of respect and my oft repeated mantra "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything!" fell to deaf ears. But later I realized that a snarky, sarcastic Teen who is at least talking is better than one who keeps to herself and never shares anything! So bring it on, Girl! After all, you learnt from the best and I can give it back as good as I get it!  Challenge accepted! 

You are very creative and have such clever hands. Be it playing the violin or plaiting your hair or your sisters. Playing Table tennis and winning medals in school tournaments or baking and decorating delicious and stunning cakes. Solving rubic cubes or drawing and sketching. Setting up elaborate projects on domino effect or making and editing ultra cool videos. You are a true star! Your talent astounds me and the amount of hard work and dedication and creativity you show at this age makes me feel like I was a total Buffoon when I was your age. And if my ego would allow me to say it, I still feel like one! You still have nt met a book you did nt like and listen to music all the time! Billie Eilish is your current Queen and your devotion to her is up there with JK Rowling and that's saying something! Keep reading and keep yourself surrounded with music and do something creative every day of your life!

My second best moment of the past year would be our girls trip to Berlin back in October.  I had always wanted to go on a trip with just us three girls and decided it was high time for me to adult and we flew to Berlin for 4 days. To put it mildly, I was terrified! But we had such fun and you were so responsible and were so happy and had such a good time that we were planning another trip even before we landed back in Basel. Which has nt happened yet and seeing how the world is going right now, it might not happen again in a long, long time but we will always have Berlin, won't we? And in December, we 4 went to the Andalusian region of Spain and we had a fantastic 8 days in Seville, Malaga, Granada and Cordoba. You were in love with the choice of food there especially the churros and chocolate combo and wanted so badly to extend the trip. We walked close to 100 kms in those 8 days and had an amazing time sight seeing. Even if we are quarantined for eternity, I could look back at all our family vacations and be content knowing how we have such a wonderful travel history. Especially you at this young age.  Always remember that you have been gifted with this privilege and please pay it forward in any way you can.

Now onto my most favorite heart melting moment of you at Age 14! A little history first. So its a known fact that I love Harry Potter. And I have a love/hate relationship with a certain Mr. Snape. Both you and Antu cannot for the lives of you understand why I adore him one moment and call him a selfish B@$T@&D, the next second. And having watched the movies like 17 times with Alan Rickman portraying Snape as if he was born to do the role does not help my case one bit. And I am ALWAYS, ALWAYS (Get it?) attracted to these kind of grey roles. Good is boring. Bad is terrible. But the ones in between are just right and delicious to devour in fiction. I love to analzyse these characters to death. And there's one scene in the 7th movie which is my favorite scene in the entire HP franchise: the back profile of Snape against a huge window. I love that scene and the framing and keep telling you all that I would love to own a poster of this frame whenever we watch the movie.(which is a lot!) Its just such a melancholic and breathtaking scene even without a single dialogue. So what do I see when I open my birthday present from you this year? A handmade notebook with a cover of the above said scene. WHICH YOU HAND PAINTED! I cried. I ugly cried. I cannot begin to describe the emotions I went through when I saw your thoughtful gift. All I will say is, I love you Pattu. Have a wonderful 15th Birthday. Stay blessed. Always.

Love,

அம்மா. 

The gift.

27.04.2019

Dearest Ashu,
We celebrated your 1st birthday in India and now after all the years, we are here for your 14th birthday. From a Noddy themed birthday party where 100 people were invited to “I don’t want a party. I don’t want a cake. I don’t want any gifts, just get me a better phone. This one is dying”. May be you tried to say the same when you were 1 too and as usual I did nt listen! You are enjoying this trip and am glad I decided to come in this scorching heat because it’s so heart warming to see you so happy. When Thatha was driving the car from Kumbakonam to Chennai, you fought with me for the front seat and sat there and talked and laughed and enjoyed the trip with him. In contrast to Swiss where you put your headphones on and sit at the back and don’t say one word to me. You are so patient with both set of your grandparents and talk to them kindly and help them while you won’t even give the time of the day to your sister.  I guess I need these India trips to realize that the problem is not you, it’s me!

Your big wish came true this year. You always wanted to go to the USA on your own to your aunts house and I thought it won’t happen in the near future because why would nt Antu and I come too? But then the universe conspired and Antus passport did nt come back in time and we let you go first and we both joined a week later. My heart was in my mouth when I waited at the boarding gate and you walked to the plane. I came home and kept tracking the plane and thought I must be the worst mom in the world! You had a wonderful week and everyone had only good things to tell about you. We also went to Austria for the ski holidays, to the beautiful Croatia and then recently to Canary Islands which you loved! Mainly for the resort we stayed in. “ Will you promise we will come back here, Amma?”, you asked when we were checking out and I thought what spoilt kids I am raising and how hard adulting is going to be for you both! But then we sleep on a mattress on the floor in India and your grandmother drags you in an Auto to temples and you want to come back here too every year. So I guess all’s not lost. 

You have adjusted to Basel now and have made a few friends. You are very hard working in school and doing good. Come rain or snow, you cycle to school, do your laundry, leave the kitchen sparkling after your baking experiments, a little perfectionist in whatever you do and it makes me so proud. In school this year, the kids need to find a job for one week in May. And you sent out resumes to a dozen companies and none of them were doing this short internship programmes. You tried in book shops and libraries as it’s your dream come true job! Then desperately got in touch with our neighbor and went for an interview and got the job in their manufacturing department. What an amazing experience! I hope you enjoy and learn a lot! Good luck, Chellam! You also sneakily watch Netflix, listen to Ariana Grande all day long and read like your life depends on it. You are continuing to learn violin and play a little bit of tennis and table tennis. But would rather stay in your room than get out of the house. And these days I have to check with you before accepting dinner invites because “I have a test on Monday. I have to study for it. I can’t come out” excuses have begun!

Our fights have got more intense and more frequent much to my utter disgust but I don’t know what to do about it. There’s a thin line between letting you do whatever you want and making you do whatever I want and I seem to be struggling to find it. Please know that I am trying. I swear on your favorite Nutella that you are precious to me. It’s not easy to like you at this grumpy age but it does nt change my undying love for you. Please believe. In yourself and in your mother. Antus devotion to you and your fathers pride in you will never diminish. Not to mention the extended family which thinks the Sun rises and sets for you! So much so that my father plays the skip card to Antu but never to you in the Phase 10 card game much to all our protest! If that’s not love, I don’t know what is! Though you are not touchy feely and vocal about your feelings, your love for everyone shines through when you bake for them or when you make something for them.  I miss the cuddles and kisses and I love yous and I guess I have to grow up and accept that you are growing up. But please don’t feel shy to compliment, to love, to appreciate and to say a kind word, Ashu. Live life and live it well. Happy 14th Birthday, Chellamma! 

Love
அம்மா. 

27.04.2018

Dearest Ashu,

13. 13. 13. Give me a second. Let it sink. THIRTEEN. Fine. I have officially a teen living in my house. There. I said it. You are celebrating your birthday in Basel for the first time after you were born here so I am extra nostalgic and emotional this year, if thats possible. We both went shopping yesterday to get you some summer clothes and when we got back home late evening, I had this acute deja vu. How thirteen years back, your grandma and I were coming back from grocery shopping and I was lunging a heavy bag and Paati said I don't look like I will deliver anytime soon. But of course, you arrived the same night proving her wrong. This wee little thing I was expecting to meet. I get the possessive mothers and the arrogant fathers now. How this little thing we gave birth to can make independent decisions? How can they talk back to us? How can they tell us what to do? How can anyone be more important to them than us? I am so glad I don't have sons. I would make a horrible MIL. Just keep me in check and warn your future partner, Ashu!

This year was very hard for you since we moved to Basel from Zurich and you hated us for that. You have not made a single friend here in the last 9 months and it is very worrying. When I bring up the topic you have a very clear answer. "I have friends. They are in Zurich" and of course the eye roll and the groan and the accusing glance all accompany that statement. Sigh. But you say you are happy and ask me not to worry. So I won't for now. You have become super independent.  You wake up on your own, dress up and do your hair, pack your snack and your lunch and cycle to school which takes 6 mins. You take trams and go to your various classes. You even took a tram and went to a shopping mall to buy a gift for your friend (zurich friend, of course!!) when I did nt have time to take you. You really wanted to go to the USA on your own and see your uncle and aunt. But baby steps, ok? 

Even though you hate to step out of the house, you like to see new places especially the food! When I was looking for photos of you from last year, the only photos you let me take of you were the ones with food! Crepes with nutella and banana, Ice cream sundaes, cakes, any dish with paneer in it, nachos, pizza, pasta,... Now that the summer is almost here, I am making banana milk shakes for you every other day and sometimes I feel the only reason you even tolerate me is because I cook! You have this fiercely independent streak right now and you can't bear it that I am bossing you around and you have to be dependent. That you can't binge watch season 2 of series of unfortunate events. That you can't eat read all day and all night long. That you don't have a mini fridge in your room!!!!! Slow down dude! I would like to be alive and kicking at the end of your teens too, ok?

We made a big deal this morning. You got a denim jacket, the harry potter illustrated book, cash, your father made you nutella crepe for breakfast and I made you lunch and dropped you at school. You were all smiles and thanked us so many times and looked so happy. It pains me that you are so grumpy most of time and thats mainly because of all that we expect from you. Growing up sucks. One wants all the freedom that comes with it but not the responsibilities. When I was a teen, I remember all I wanted to do was skip physics tuition and watch Doogie Howser MD (from Doogie to Count Olaf, I see a pattern here, Neil Patrick Harris!) But now that I am the parent, I have to police you. Its hard for me too. I hate to have become this monster mom. I will try to tone it down though. I promise. Anyway, welcome to your teens! Happy 13th Birthday! Enjoy the best years of your life. You will always be my baby girl, Kutti!

Love,
அம்மா.

27.04.2017

Dearest Ashu,

Twelve! You are twelve! Only twelve more months to hang on to this special age before the dreaded word "Teenager" is used to describe you! Sigh. Enjoy this year and don't be in a hurry to grow up, ok? This is the year you have gone very quiet and opening your mouth only to demand or complain. You must have rolled your eyes more than a million times and I wonder how your eyeballs have nt fallen out of their sockets! *insert eye roll* And a total homebody. "Can I stay home?" is your favorite question! Closely followed by "Where are we going?" and "Do I have to come?" But of course, you have no problem getting ready to go out to meet your friends or walking the neighbors dog. Who am I kidding? You are already a teenager!

On the upside, you have become quite handy around the house though. You assembled your new ikea desk all on your own without any help. I was amazed! And putting up the Xmas tree, arranging the Golu steps for Navarathri, fixing a tear in my dress, crocheting, buying milk from the nearby shop, putting away the groceries, unloading the dishwasher, taking Antu to her swimming,... It's unbelievable! You made a pasta lunch for yourself and your sister when I was nt well and the other day when I was expecting guests, you chopped loads of veggies for me. I realize I have been expecting a lot from you the last two years because of your dads long commute and returning home late. But you have come through full and full and I am so proud of you. 

We have travelled a lot this year too and you loved Budapest and Corsica. Not to mention the Alaska cruise with your grand parents and uncle and aunt and the India trip to attend my cousins wedding. And we are in Verona on your birthday this year and I don't know about you but I feel you are the luckiest girl in the world. Every time you complain or whine about anything, I can't help but wonder what more can anyone want? But I guess whatever a parent does, its never enough for the child. You don't understand why I won't let you watch screen during school days. Why I won't let you buy chocolate from the nearest bakery even if its "your" money. Or the mother of all "why can't I have a phone!" Well, you are getting your dads old iphone this year finally and I can't think of anything to say other than, I trust you and use it well.

You got braces this year and took it in your own stride and even going to the dentist on your own when I could nt accompany you to some of the appointments. I ask you to proofread my written German and you have quite a laugh hearing me speak the language. Karma has strange ways to get back at you, I guess. If it was my moms English then, its my German now. You watch it girl! You are addicted to reading and Minecraft. We both enjoyed watching The Series of Unfortunate Events together on Netflix. You loved snowboarding this year too and continued your tennis and violin lessons without too much protest. You quit swimming lessons though you enjoy going to the pool now and then. Like I said, you are such a lucky girl. But I am luckier than you and feel blessed being a mother to you! Happy 12th Brithday, Chellam!

Love,
அம்மா.

How do I solve a problem like Ashu?

Every year Ashu does something really special and touching for my birthday and I tell myself that I should remember that moment of overwhelming love whenever I am upset or angry with her. But that never happens. 364 out of 365 days, I am impatient, angry, upset, mad, disappointed, etc...etc.. about one thing or the other. Things have been so bad with Ashu these last two years that I even told her 2 days earlier that I don't want her to do or give anything for my birthday and theres no point doing all these fake gestures when she has no respect for me and does nt listen to me and I even doubt if she likes me! (I am a harsh women. There, I said it!) I also warned the husband to make sure she does nt do anything for me. Yes, I spoke in anger but I somewhat meant it too. 

But since she does nt listen to anything I say anyway, as expected she shut herself in the kitchen and was doing something secretly during the weekend. I suspected she was baking a cake because Hd used to sneak out and come and ask me very quietly "what is the difference between baking soda and baking powder", "How many grams in 1 cup of butter", etc.. etc...!! Nambalaukku dhaan vandhadhum sari illai, vaachadhum sari illai!

So this morning dawned and Ashu was already in the kitchen and finally at 7.30 am a cake appeared on the table with fancy looking toast and I thanked them and then the kids went off to school and Hd to work. A friend took me out for breakfast and I had fun and came back in time to make a simple pasta lunch for the kids who come for lunch from school at 12 and go back again at 13.30. I told the kids I am not eating lunch since I had two breakfasts this morning and was going through the umpteen whatsapp groups to see who remembered and who forgot my birthday! (I am also a shallow woman!)

Ashu finished her lunch quickly and shut herself in the kitchen again and I was really curious on what she was doing now! She would nt even allow her sister inside when I sent Antu to spy on her. Uff! Finally 45 minutes later, she set the finished product on the dining table, said bye to me and ran off to school. I took one look and my jaw dropped! 

I hope this overwhelming feeling of love lasts more than 24 hours.

27.04.2016

Dearest Ashu,

My very special 11 year old girl! What do I say? You are almost as tall as me and wear my shoes. You are so independent that I wonder why you need me at all. You are so cheeky and so full of attitude that this is the first time I ask myself, she is only 11? I can tell you lots of things now and sometimes even ask you for relationship advice! This one time, I was ranting about someone and wondering how to deal with them and you interrupted me and told me, "Amma, you are not their parent. Its not your job to teach them a lesson or give them consequences". I was shocked. And only yesterday when I was upset with your dad for coming home so late from office, you said "I know you are mad at him now, Amma. But don't be mad at him tomorrow, ok?" Sigh. How did you get so mature, Ashu? Certainly not from me! 

Of course that does nt mean there are no meltdowns, fights or arguments! Life would be so boring then, would nt it? The bone of contention has been the iPhone, of course! For a year, every other month you would begin a conversation with "All my friends have one..." and I would counter that with the age old, "If all your friends jumped off a bridge..." and the end result would be you shutting yourself inside your room and me trying to find my iPhone to google - why iPhones are evil! I get it, Ashu. I get it. Dealing with peer pressure is not easy for kids. For one, you are the only Indian kid (other than your sister!) in the school. You don't speak like them, you don't look like them and you don't eat like them. And when your mother would nt even let you have a bloody phone like them, it does hurt. Especially when your father can be swayed either way, Mom comes across as pure evil. I have sat with you and explained. I have yelled and screamed. I have asked you to read about the dangers of it. I have given you the classic, "Because I can". Sorry Kid. I hope you understand one day.

You and your sister! Where do I begin? Im wondering which will come first - you ending up killing each other or you together killing me! Argh! The fighting! The curse of the sisters is up on me and I cannot wait for this phase to end. If its a phase, that is. "She took my book. She ate my cookie. I was sitting here first. She is looking at me. She is breathing." Why do you do it, Ashu? Little Sisters are annoying, I get that. But why are Big Sisters so bossy? Please be kind to your sister. She adores you and would do anything for you. You only have to ask. Nicely. That said, you both get along fabulously well when I am not in the picture. So I guess the problem is me! As always. You have a select few friends you are close to and of course your grand parents and uncle and aunt are the most special people in the world. Thatha and Paati were here for 3 months last year and you just blossomed when they were here. You were the happiest when a friend left her little dog with us for three days and we took care of him. I guess you are waiting for the phone in hand first before going on a food strike to get a dog!

You have become even more quieter than usual these days. All you need is a book. You started writing a list this year and proudly announced that you have finished 100 books even before January ended. Even though I swore I would never be that kind of a mother, I have been telling you to cut down on reading and to get out and talk to people. Please find a balance, Kiddo. You are interested in many, many things and I wish we had the time and the energy to do all the things that you want to do. You went for a few sewing lessons and you love it. You took to snowboarding this year like a pro. You spend hours on rainbow loom to create amazing things. You came up with such a clever treasure hunt for my birthday this year that I was blown away. You don't do hugs and kisses that well but you touch our souls by being thoughtful and kind. Happy 11th Birthday, Kannamma. Always be true to yourself. 

Love,

அம்மா.

Solden.

Kids get two weeks off every February and people usually go skiing for a week and lots of them go to Austria. Hd and I have been planning to go the last 4 years but it was nt happening thanks to my injury, then his and then it did nt make sense to go if we both were nt going to ski. Ashu took to snowboarding this year and she was very keen on a trip. Finally we bit the bullet and Hd and I decided to put our fears aside and begin skiing again this year. (Not before my passionate and intense speech to Hd on how I'm just 37 years old and I can't get retired hurt at such an young age!) Poor man was so worried about me more than himself thanks to my history of accidents! Anyway, we were in Solden, Austria from 14th to 20th February and we had a fantastic time. The kids were in group lessons and Hd and I took private lessons to refresh our memory but thankfully the body remembered what to do and it was nt so bad. I still ski painfully slow thanks to my fear and I can also see that my right knee is not as strong as my left now. Well, a knee replacement is certainly there in my future, I guess!

Antu loved her group and her teacher and did nt want to come back. Icing on the cake was that she came third in the ski race at the end of the week and got a certificate and a medal. She was thrilled to bits! But Little Miss Princess was very disapproving that they gave just french fries for lunch some days! "Just because I am a vegetarian, Amma! Really? Fries for lunch? Can you believe it?" And it seems, her teacher was a Vegan and ate only salad much to her horror. I can see her switching to fish and chicken in her future! 

Ashu is the Rockstar in the family. After skiing for 7 years(!), she wanted to learn snowboarding this year and in spite of us discouraging her, she was very determined to do it. Its amazing how fearless kids are and how fast they learn skills. Sigh, here I am in my ripe old age struggling in the beginner slopes. She wears her shoes on her own, carries her snowboard and walks like a gangster! On the ski slopes, with the ski suit, ski mask, helmet, etc... I sometimes mistake her for some young woman and my eyes search for the little girl in her pink snow suit! :( Since there were no kids her age in the intermideate snowboard group, she was put in an adults group. She had loads of fun the last day when her group went right upto the summit (3250m) and snowboarded where Spectre was filmed! Wish I had given my phone to her to take some photos. She said it was spectacular. And was very disappointed that we said no when she asked if she could go alone again! Sigh. Im sure in the near future,  she would just snowboard right through our roof!

Anyway, I am just glad we all got back in one piece. It was an interesting week doing nothing but eating and skiing and sitting in the sauna in the late evenings. Bliss.

27.04.2015

Dearest Ashu,

10. A decade. Double digit. Wow! Did nt I just sit down and write your 9th birthday post like a month ago? You have grown so much taller in this one year that its not funny. You have gone like three shoe sizes up and two clothes sizes up in this year. I think you will very soon catch up to my shoe size and your Aunts height! Whats the hurry, I ask? But you are so proud of that fact and can't wait to literally fill my shoes! We both have had a roller coaster of a year with you getting sensitive and grumpy about everything and me being angry and impatient. At one point, it felt that we could nt have a normal conversation at all. Every time you spoke, I thought you were being ungrateful and every time I opened my mouth, you thought I was lecturing you. Thank God for Hd and his sane advice, I learnt to take a step back and let it be. Also reading about pre teens and how they are forgetful, are affected by mood swings, etc... made me realize that I am not alone. But I did want to scream "Who is this temperemental young lady and what did she do with my sweet little daughter?"

You should be the poster girl for Miss. Congeniality. Especially with an indecisive mom like me, I am surprised you are so flexible and that you go with the flow. Eating out or not, watching a movie or not, going to the park or not,... most of the time you just don't care. This is even more noticable since your sister throws a tantrum a minute if things don't go according to her plan. It used to surprise me (until Antu came along!) when some of my friends say "my child did nt want to" for even simple things like going to the pool or meeting friends in a park. The only time I realize you might not be interested in something is when you say "If you want me to, Amma!" Where do kids learn to have such complete faith in ones parents? Don't they know we are just winging it? Every time you say "I like you, Amma" to me, my honest response is "But why?"

Except for the big bang family reunion trip to Srilanka in December, we did nt travel much this year. What with Appa's job change and house move, it has been a stressful year with lots of uncertainties. And not being able to visit India has kind of affected you and me both. Just like India trips are like charging batteries for me, they help you to completely be yourself, explore your relationship to the land and the people and generally unwind. You are not old enough to vocalize those feelings but I can see it from the way you talk to your grand parents. And also whenever you are upset with me and say "Thatha has said that its my house, Amma. I will go to India and live there!" I can be very mean and say stuff like "Yeah right! You will come back crying to me in two days!" But what I would nt give to run away with you? Keep the love for your country wherever you are, Ashu. Even if you don't have a house there anymore.

Finally you have reached the age where school has become synonymous with friends! Phew. I think back to my school days and you are not even close to what wild things I was up to nor do I want you to! But the constant "can I go to A's house? Can L come to our house?" and closing the door while talking to friends on the phone! Sigh! Guess the dreaded years of "friends are so cool" and "parents suck" is here! Your BFF is A, who also happens to be my BFF's daughter and you both call yourselves Twinnies and behave like one soul in two bodies. Now that Antu is also old enough to match every step and play with you both, you both have generously let her inside your circle and its heart warming to see that. Like I have told you a million times already, the way you treat your family in front of your friends is the way they will treat them, Ashu. Always remember that and keep telling your friends what a great mom I am! :)

We had a birthday party for you yesterday with a few family friends and as usual I was panicking over my birthday cake frosting disaster in the morning and I was cursing myself to have been so stupid! You hugged me and told me "You are not stupid, Amma. You are very clever!" I would nt have made this stupid mistake if I was clever, Ashu, I replied in one of my rare self pity mood. "You are clever, Amma. Because you always find a way to correct the mistake", was your reply. I was so moved by your reply and felt so guilty of all the times I did not give you the same reply. "How could you?" "It was your fault!" "How could you forget? "What did I ask you to do?" "You just dont care, Ashu!" - these are the nasty things I have been telling you. I am so sorry, Ashu. Thank you for growing up to be such a wonderful young lady. I wish you a fantastic year ahead. Rock the 10s! 

Love,

அம்மா.

4.Klasse and Kindergarten 2.

Five weeks of sleeping late and waking up late took its toll this morning as the entire household was in a frenzy! Antu who was so excited about going back to school got up at 4 am and then at 5 am and then at 6 am to ask if it was morning yet. And around 6.30 she was seen giving finishing touches to the cat she was supposed to color and bring to school! And at 7.30, we had to shake her and wake her up! She wanted to be the first to go to school since she wanted to choose the peg she wanted. (The one with the parrot picture in it) And we made it! Yay! Little joys of life!

Ashu was very independent and organized as usual and walked on her own to school and did nt want us to walk with her. Her new teacher has made a good impression on her and the teachers daughter is also in the same class, so there were funny stories to share. (The teacher said that we have to get a signature from our parents and the teacher in the homework, Amma! L needs only one signature, ha ha!) 

I spent the whole day trying to organize the after school activities! Antu is doing tennis other than ballet and swimming. (And she wanted to go to a painting class because her BFF is going but I said no way much to her disappointment!) And I cancelled Ashus swimming and soon I ll cancel Chess too after this term. So she will go for her violin and tennis as usual. She was also selected for an orchestra and I was very keen that she goes but that day did nt suit us so she had to let go of that too. Its all good because todays the first day and its 8.30 pm and she's still doing her home work! A fictional story half page or more is the requirement. So of course she will sit and write a 2 page fantasy story that Rama Narayanan would have been proud to direct! 

But seriously, fourth grade? I as well retire now!

Lawyered!

Me: Ashu, please go and fold your blankets on the bed. Yours and Antus.

Ashu: Ok amma.

5 minutes later, I pass the room and see that Ashus blanket is neatly folded while Antus blanket is not. 

Me: Ashu, why have nt you folded Antus blanket?

Ashu: Because she said she ll do it herself.

Me: Antu, why did nt you fold your blanket then?

Antu: I did nt tell her I will fold it. 

Me: Well?

Ashu: She said that amma. 

Antu: I did NOT!

Me: What exactly did she say Ashu?

Ashu: She said "I can do everything by myself. I don't need your help."

Me: *light bulb glows* And WHEN did she say this?

Ashu: She said it yesterday.

Me: Yesterday? When?

Ashu: When I asked her if I can help her with the puzzle and she said she can do everything by herself!

Me: !!!!

Friends, Romans, countrymen,...

It was our 14th wedding anniversary on June 5th. It happened to fall on a long weekend, so packed our bags and went to Rome and Naples for 4 days. Was a fun trip. The girls had a blast eating Pizza in the birthplace of Pizza. The two days in Naples, we hunted down the oldest pizzeria, the best pizzeria, the famous pizzeria and ate pizza like it was going out of fashion! According to Antu, the best trip ever! And we also got two rooms with a connecting door in our Hotel which was the highlight of the trip for Ashu! She would nt let me use even the bathroom in their room!!! :)

For me, the highlight was Mt.Vesuvius and Pompeii. Man, Pompeii was amazing! A city which was destroyed by the volcano 2000 years back and then discovered intact 200 years back! Its like The Mummy meets Tomb Raider! We went to the Mt.Vesuvius first and walked along the rim of the crater and Ashu was all "we are walking on a volcano! which is active! which is very dangerous!" And in the afternoon, we went to Pompeii. Ashu had read a Magic Tree House book on Ancient Rome and Pompeii so she was fully prepared! We saw the houses, ovens, baths, port, temples, ... even the chariot marks on the roads! Water fountains, scribbles on the walls, frescoes, plastered dead bodies, pots, furniture, Forum, Amphitheatre,... Even a Brothel! I took a candid photo of Hd coming out it and have threatened to use this evidence against him! ;)

We also went to the Capri Island from Naples and it was so beautiful! We went quite late though so could nt go to the Blue Grotto which is supposed to be amazing! Next time, perhaps! Since Hd and I have been to Rome before, we did not do much except walking, walking and more walking and showing the sites to the girls! Poor things cooperated well without complaining too much. There was always the Gelato break whenever we were too tired or or making Ashu tell some trivia about the ancient Romans and traumatize Antu! (Did you know that they washed their clothes in urine, they ate Flamingos, etc... ) I, for my part, traumatized Ashu by describing the battles in the Colosseum and she just could nt understand how people can watch people getting killed and be entertained! ( Did you know that sometimes the Romans flooded the Colloseum and had boat battles?!)

Italy has become truly out favorite destination! So much to see and so much to do. Relatively cheaper, great food. Its hot and dirty and but the place is alive! I guess its a lot like India! :)

"People who create their own drama deserve their own Karma".

What goes around, comes around! Nothing makes you believe in Karma like when one becomes a parent! Today around 2 pm, Ashu gets a call from her friend, Az asking if she wants to go to the pool with her. Ashu looks at me and I nod my head and she excitedly says yes to her friend, packs her bag and leaves the house. To the pool which is 5 mins walk from our house. At least thats where I assumed they were going and thats what Ashu told me as well. Cut to 5.30 pm - no sign of Ashu. At 6 pm, I am worried. Hd who was watching Nadal making history was worried enough to take his eyes off the TV and look at me. He then walked to the pool to see if she was there or in the nearby park but the pool was closed already and no one in the park. Then I started calling Az's home number, her parents mobile number but no answer. So I walk to Az's house which is 2 mins walk from our house. No ones home. I call three more of Ashus friends who are all in the neighborhood asking if they know where Az and Ashu went but no one knows. At 7.30 pm, my sister calls and asks if Ashu is home because I told her at 5.30 that she's not home yet. Now she's worried too! I knew Ashu would be fine and she would come home soon and safe but the not knowing where she was, was driving me crazy. And the fact that the girl did not think to call from her friends moms phone and tell me where she is and when she will be coming back. Not to mention the guilt trips I was taking. "I am an irresponsible parent! I should have checked with Az's mother. I should have told Ashu to call me if theres any change. " sigh. Anyway, Ashu got back at 8 pm. She had gone to another pool which is a 10 minutes drive away.  "I did nt know you will be worried, Amma. I was having so much fun that I did nt know it got so late. I did nt have my watch." Simple. And she got so upset that we were all worried for her. Sigh. 

The entire 2 hours when I was worried and looking out of the window every 5 minutes, there was only one thing I was thinking about. My Thatha. My Paternal Grandfather. I was 20 years old and in college. Usually I would be home around 5 pm. But on the day I would come late, I would find him standing outside the house, near the gate looking into the direction I would come from. If it was after 6.30 pm, then I can bet on my life that he would be standing there waiting for me. Sandhikaalam (dusk) was the curfew time according to him and in the morning when I left home, he would say "sandhikaalathukulla vandhudu" (Come back before dusk) and that was his way of saying good bye. Even when my parents did nt care, I knew Thatha would be waiting for me. And the most interesting part is that when I arrived late, he would see me and smile and walk back inside without asking me even a single question. I do not think I made him wait every other day but I do remember that in a span of 18 months, at least once a week I would momentarily forget about him because I was busy talking to the boys (what else!!) and would get home late and there I would see him in his white veshti and a mel thundu, waiting near the gate. And I don't remember he ever asking me why I was late. Not even once. And the next day, he would see me off with his usual send off. 

In those 2 hours, I was thinking about Thatha and his unconditional love and support and how patient he was with me and wowed to be the same way with Ashu. You give your child all the freedom they need and hope they are responsible with it. Thats all one can expect. And after all the careful planning on what to tell her and how to handle myself, I failed miserably! Guess one has to be a grandparent to achieve that kind of Zenness and a mere parent just won't do. In other words, Thatha did not slap me in my face because he knew Karma would! 

27.04.2014

Dear Ashu,

 You do not like too much attention to yourself and I don't know what you will make of all these birthday posts I write every year. May be these letters are just for me even though they are addressed to you. I look at the photos and letters from previous years and my eyes brim over with tears. How time flies and how fast a child grows! Sigh! This year has surely gone by in a hurry. You have always been very matured for your age and as years go by, the changes in you shock me more and more. "Are you Happy, Ashu?" is the question I ask you a lot these days because you seem to be in a "Why am I here?" mode most of the time. You have such simple needs and I learn a lot from you every day. I want to be you when I grow up! :) 

You are the queen of moderation. You like to dress up but you don't care about it too much. You like to eat sweets and watch tv but can also go days without asking for these. You have friends but not many. You talk to people but not too much. Of course, when it comes to reading, its a different story all together. The other day I was cleaning your room and was putting away some stuff to give away and was asking you and Antu what you need and what you don't. You said, "You can give anything away, Amma. Except my books!" You have high expectations for yourself and when you think you have nt met them, you get extremely upset. I make the situation worse by commenting on it which in turn makes you turn nasty to me which makes me lose my temper and the cycle goes on! I wish I were calm and collected and all zen because you deserve a mother like that. Better luck next time, kiddo!

As always, you are doing fine in school, making new friends and keeping in touch with old friends. When your best friend G dropped in on a surprise visit two weeks back to see you, you were so happy! Even though it has been a year since she left the country, you both started giggling as soon as you met and closed the door on us and talked for hours! Which is saying a lot for a child like you. Its heart warming to see you in that mode, Ashu and I wish you have many, many more people like these in your life. This year, we are in the US and you are celebrating your birthday with your uncle and aunt. Its so special for you. Also a bit sad that this is the first birthday you are away from your father and both of you are missing each other a lot. But my very dear cousin and his wife came to visit and theres a big party waiting for you in a few hours so I hope that makes up for it. Try to enjoy all the attention, please!

Antu and you! Sigh! Where do I begin? Lets just 

say planets were nt aligned well for sisters this year and leave it at that. Im gritting my teeth and telling myself that its a phase and you both will grow out of it and I hope it happens really soon for my own sake! I have been saying the exact same dialogues to you girls which my mom used to say to us and I don't even have to rehearse the lines. They automatically pop out of my mouth when the need arises. One would think that two kids who share their mom and dad with each other would have no problem sharing a lousy pencil or a piece of paper between them but NO! Apparently its too much to ask! I hope nine is the magic number and you become the doting sister you were once again. That said, you are very protective of her and ever since we lost Antu in Disneyland for half a minute three years back, you watch her like a hawk every time we are in crowded places. You know every little thing about her. Which is sometimes good and at time, very BAD!

India, Austria, Morocco, USA trips happened this year and you are a happy traveller. We visited Universal studios and Sea World the last couple of days with two sets of uncles and aunts and you had a blast! When almost every child was walking around with souvenirs and stuffed toys, I was the mean mom who would nt buy anything for you two. At the end of the trip, when I relented and let you girls choose one thing, Antu chose the little girl with a unicorn and you wanted all the three girls from the Despicable Me movie. When I said one, you said that the three girls are together and you can't choose just one and you were ok not buying them rather than buying just one. Even though its just a silly movie, it makes me proud that you care about people. I am little proud of myself that I did nt give into the marketing scam! Happy 9th Birthday my little big Girl! Its double digits from next year and I hope to cherish this special year as much as I can and hold on to this nine year old you for ever!

Love,

அம்மா.