27.04.2019

Dearest Ashu,
We celebrated your 1st birthday in India and now after all the years, we are here for your 14th birthday. From a Noddy themed birthday party where 100 people were invited to “I don’t want a party. I don’t want a cake. I don’t want any gifts, just get me a better phone. This one is dying”. May be you tried to say the same when you were 1 too and as usual I did nt listen! You are enjoying this trip and am glad I decided to come in this scorching heat because it’s so heart warming to see you so happy. When Thatha was driving the car from Kumbakonam to Chennai, you fought with me for the front seat and sat there and talked and laughed and enjoyed the trip with him. In contrast to Swiss where you put your headphones on and sit at the back and don’t say one word to me. You are so patient with both set of your grandparents and talk to them kindly and help them while you won’t even give the time of the day to your sister.  I guess I need these India trips to realize that the problem is not you, it’s me!

Your big wish came true this year. You always wanted to go to the USA on your own to your aunts house and I thought it won’t happen in the near future because why would nt Antu and I come too? But then the universe conspired and Antus passport did nt come back in time and we let you go first and we both joined a week later. My heart was in my mouth when I waited at the boarding gate and you walked to the plane. I came home and kept tracking the plane and thought I must be the worst mom in the world! You had a wonderful week and everyone had only good things to tell about you. We also went to Austria for the ski holidays, to the beautiful Croatia and then recently to Canary Islands which you loved! Mainly for the resort we stayed in. “ Will you promise we will come back here, Amma?”, you asked when we were checking out and I thought what spoilt kids I am raising and how hard adulting is going to be for you both! But then we sleep on a mattress on the floor in India and your grandmother drags you in an Auto to temples and you want to come back here too every year. So I guess all’s not lost. 

You have adjusted to Basel now and have made a few friends. You are very hard working in school and doing good. Come rain or snow, you cycle to school, do your laundry, leave the kitchen sparkling after your baking experiments, a little perfectionist in whatever you do and it makes me so proud. In school this year, the kids need to find a job for one week in May. And you sent out resumes to a dozen companies and none of them were doing this short internship programmes. You tried in book shops and libraries as it’s your dream come true job! Then desperately got in touch with our neighbor and went for an interview and got the job in their manufacturing department. What an amazing experience! I hope you enjoy and learn a lot! Good luck, Chellam! You also sneakily watch Netflix, listen to Ariana Grande all day long and read like your life depends on it. You are continuing to learn violin and play a little bit of tennis and table tennis. But would rather stay in your room than get out of the house. And these days I have to check with you before accepting dinner invites because “I have a test on Monday. I have to study for it. I can’t come out” excuses have begun!

Our fights have got more intense and more frequent much to my utter disgust but I don’t know what to do about it. There’s a thin line between letting you do whatever you want and making you do whatever I want and I seem to be struggling to find it. Please know that I am trying. I swear on your favorite Nutella that you are precious to me. It’s not easy to like you at this grumpy age but it does nt change my undying love for you. Please believe. In yourself and in your mother. Antus devotion to you and your fathers pride in you will never diminish. Not to mention the extended family which thinks the Sun rises and sets for you! So much so that my father plays the skip card to Antu but never to you in the Phase 10 card game much to all our protest! If that’s not love, I don’t know what is! Though you are not touchy feely and vocal about your feelings, your love for everyone shines through when you bake for them or when you make something for them.  I miss the cuddles and kisses and I love yous and I guess I have to grow up and accept that you are growing up. But please don’t feel shy to compliment, to love, to appreciate and to say a kind word, Ashu. Live life and live it well. Happy 14th Birthday, Chellamma! 

Love
அம்மா. 

My Daddy Strangest!

There is this riddle about two fathers and two sons and there are three seats in a train and all of them get a seat. How? Antu asked me this once. I gave her the simple answer that there was a grandfather, a father and a son. But I guess its deeper than that simple answer. My father is visiting us. My mom visited us in May and exhausted her visa and finally dad agreed to come after lot of nagging and whining and complaining. (all by Antu!) Anyway, Mom also gallivanted to Canada to visit my cousin (her peraadha pullai*, in her own words!) and is kooch-icooing with her grand niece much to Antus jealousy. (fine! I am jealous too! But only a little.)

Anyway, back to my fathers trip. He has been here for a few weeks. Antu is over the moon and spends every waking minute with him. Ashu smiles and laughs a lot more than usual and is so patient and so nice and kind to him that I am both proud and sad at the same time. Things were all fine for the first two weeks when I kept my mouth shut and ignored everything and did nt say a word against Ashu, the only person my dad would save even if its her against the rest of his entire family! The one day I lost my patience, all hell broke loose. I was the mother, no longer the daughter. He was the grandfather, no longer the father. Ashu was nt sure what she was at the moment. Hd regretted the day he said yes to this dysfunctional family and went to sleep! And Antu picked up a book and shut herself in her room. 

Long story short, it was very, very awkward. A 68 year old man yelling at his 39 year old daughter because she yelled at her 12 year old daughter. He just does nt get the irony. I wanted to be his little girl and cry on his shoulders but I was afraid I would strangle him instead. God knows what he was thinking because the man does nt believe in talking. Shoving everything under the carpet is his speciality. And here you think you are doing so much better than your parents only to find out that theres no pleasing when it comes to your children and they hate you no matter what! Yes, yes, I get that irony too. Do you get the riddle now?

* the son she did nt give birth to

R.I.P Lulu, the Fish.

Sometime around July last year, Ashu walked to the nearby pond with her friend and came back all excited with a tiny little fish in a plastic cup. My immediate reaction was "Go back and leave the fish back in the pond right now!" But I want Lulu as my pet, Amma, begged Ashu. Any parent out there knows that once the kids have named something, we as well give up. So I put the fish in a flower vase and the doting dad took the girls to a pet shop to buy fish food. Ashu tried to ask me if she can get another fish since Lulu was lonely but I told her she has to choose if she wants me or another fish. And thankfully, she chose me! I had my doubts, to be honest.

In the beginning, I really felt bad about this little fish who was happily swimming in the pond with his family and now swimming in circles in a tiny vase. I even told Ashu how he misses his family and how his dad is looking for him and she should go and put him back in the pond but she rolled her eyes and told me, "This is not a movie, Amma. And its just a fish!" She also went on about how people eat fish and she's only keeping one as a pet! So I kept quiet. Hd cleaned the vase every week and changed the water. We added some pebbles to the vase. Everyday we had to remind Ashu to feed Lulu. ("peru vachiye, soru vachiye" moment*!) Months passed. Lulu survived a few weekends without us. Lulu survived the house move. Lulu stayed at a neighbors for 10 days when we were vacationing in December. And everyday I used to wonder how long does a pond fish so small would live.

Some days I even threatened Ashu that I will take Lulu back to the pond if she is not responsible. Every time she nagged us to buy her a dog, I used to say "You can't even take care of a tiny little fish." Antu used to stand near the fish and talk to him or show him off to her friends and over feed him. Except for feeding him twice a day, most of the time we even forgot his existence. And then eight months later, he died. Yesterday. I gave an involuntary scream when I found him dead and like a chain reaction, Ashu ran away to her room while Antu ran towards the fish. Both of them cried unconsolably and even I was choking a bit. Ashu did nt want to see Lulu again, did nt walk to talk about him or say goodbye. On the other hand, Antu wanted to know how he died, what we are going to do with him and whats going to happen to all the fish food! 

We gave him a proper burial outside our apartment. Antu was so sad that she could nt celebrate his first birthday. We called Hd and Antu cried her heart out to him while Ashu refused to talk to him. Antu also broke the news to her grand parents and aunt while Ashu refused to talk to them. "I just don't want to talk about him or remember him because it makes me sad", was her logic. Sigh. Anyway we went about our day and whenever we looked at the empty vase, we went silent. The house was too quiet and I don't know how its even possible. I have always had dogs while growing up and felt incredibly sad when each one of them died. But I never thought the death of a tiny little fish could bring so much sadness.

I talked to the girls about my dogs, how futile life is and how we should enjoy every minute, etc.. and gave them the whole spiel about being nice to each other. A mom has to milk every opportunity with a life lesson, no? Antu of course is one up on me when it comes to milking opportunities. At one vulnerable moment, she asked me in a sad voice, "Can we watch Finding Nemo today, Amma?"

* you named him but did you feed him? (but it rhymes in Tamil! :)

Sleepless over Sleepovers.

I am alive! Last Saturday was such a big milestone for me that I decided to end my long hiatus and blog about it. Though Ashu has been asking for sleepovers with friends for a long time now, I did nothing to encourage the thought. One of my friends daughter (who is also Ashus friend) has come and stayed the night with us a couple of times but thats that. We have never sent Ashu to anyones house. And then last week Ashus BFF G's mom asked me if I can send Ashu to their house for a sleepover. Since Ashu has changed schools this year and is not with G anymore, I have been feeling very guilty to have separated them and I guess in a weak moment, I said yes. Ashu was over the moon, of course! So on the big day, she packed a bag with her pajamas and tooth brush and skipped and hopped and went to their house in their car. Around 8.30 pm when I called, G's mom told me that they are nowhere near sleeping and watching a movie! When I asked to talk to Ashu, she spoke to me as if I have interrupted something important! Even though I was nt worried, I could nt sleep until 3 am that night! It was really strange not to have Ashu in the house. The next day Gs mom took the girls directly to a birthday party and when I saw Ashu, it was 2 pm! Hugged her tight and asked about her big day but only got monosyllable answers! When we came home and she saw the poster I had put on our door, (Welcome back! We missed you!) her face broke into a huge grin and she hugged me and said "I missed you too, Amma! So when can I go for my next sleepover?" Sigh!

ps.

Loads of stuff to tell but absolutely no interest in putting the pen to paper means only one thing - this blog is dying a slow death. I apologize to all the people who are still interested in this blog and came by to check now and then and tried to wake me up. I am here now but dont know for how long! :)