27.04.2022

 Dearest Ashu,

17. One year short of a legal adult. Just one more year of childhood. Give me a moment here to contemplate my life. …… Fine. Lets move on. This year has gone by in a blink and I am not sure it sunk in that you are 16 yet before another birthday has zoomed in. Whats the rush? School has consumed your life and whatever time is left over, we either ignore each other or quarrel. As soon as you open your mouth, I see disrespect and cynicism. And when I do, you see anger and disappointmentl. Match made in heaven, that’s us. If not for your father and sister, I wonder how anything would get resolved between us. They both are the solid rocks to our tidal waves and I hope you appreciate them for all they do for us. I analyse my behavior constantly and feel regret and guilt and like a colossal failure as a parent.  I would die for you without a second thought and at the same time, can’t bring myself to be more patient with you. What is it that is wrong with me? Nothing in particular but everything in general, you might say! Yes, I see my faults in you. At the same time, you are also the favorite part of me.

You have such a morbid sense of humor and a healthy dose of pessimism. Deadly combo, that. You should come with a warning! This one time we were discussing the point of life and your sister who has nt yet been disillusioned with life by high school was giving me quite a peppy answer while you commented, “there’s no point. we are dead already". And I turned to Antu and said, “Please hit me in my head if I ever ask her anything anymore” and without missing a beat you quipped, “Can I do it for her?” Ha. Ha. Ha. I was making a photo album for your grandparents a few months back and under the family photo, I had written “Putting the fun in Dysfunctional” and thought that was quite witty. Until you came back from school and commented, “More like putting the fun in Funeral”! I rest my case. 

We had such fun having a family reunion at our place in October and after the pandemic panic, it was so nice to see you and Antu with your grandparents, aunt and uncle. We have not been out of Swiss in the last 3 years and finally bit the bullet and traveled to Sicily earlier this month and we had a fantastic time. I will never ever take travel for granted again. Nor should you. You have grown leaps and bounds in the cooking and baking area. Being a total perfectionist helps. But at the same time, be kind to yourself too when something does nt go your way. Be patient and don’t give up easily.  You take fantastic photos but hate it when I take pics of you. You love to cook but eat very less. You like school but are a grumpy bear on weekdays. You are a bunch of contradictions and a riddle wrapped in a mystery and as you grow older and older, I feel I know you lesser and lesser. Guess, that’s every parents journey and I hope I have the grace and dignity to accept it. Give me time.

The only time we bond is when we watch TV. And we have been doing that quite a lot this year as you are interested in all kinds of movies and shows now. More so than before. You nagged me and Antu to watch the Avengers movies with you if we want to watch the new Spiderman and Doctor Strange movie and after some initial resistance from me, we did a marathon for 10 days straight and watched that many movies and by the time I watched Endgame, a fangirl was born. (Black Widow is your favorite Avenger. Captain America is mine!) WandaVision followed next and now I am hooked. We watched Secrets of Dumbledore recently and were collectively disappointed. Even though for completely different reasons. (Give me more Grindeldore!) Nothing like art and entertainment to bring people together. One day, I will be able to wish you a happy birthday without choking on my own heart but that day is not today.  Happy 17th Birthday, Kannamma! I love you 3000.

Love,

அம்மா.

27.04.2021

Dearest Ashu,

STOP PRESS. You turn SIXTEEN today! How in the world am I supposed to cope with this? I can’t even drown myself in alcohol since I don’t drink! But wait a minute, you can!!! You are legally allowed to drink wine and beer in this country from today and if that is nt a sobering thought! Sixteen is special in many cultures and the only Tamil culture that refers to this age is in the movies and most of the time, girls this age fall in love with a stupid boy, lie to their parents and elope with the said boy. So please refrain from doing any of them. You graduated from middle school and got into high school this year and its a big deal in the school system here. You chose the school you wanted to go and the subjects you wanted to take and made so many important decisions in your life. I am so proud of you. This fierce independence streak is something I admire in you. Please do ask for help when you need it though. There is no shame in it. Help is always given to those who ask for it. Not only in Hogwarts, but at our home too. Anytime. Anything, Anywhere. OK?

Our long lunches together have rapidly decreased ever since you started high school and I miss them dearly. Weekends and holidays are the only time we got to spend time together and have fun as you have lot of school work. You are complaining that you don’t have enough time to read for pleasure anymore and its heartbreaking. You are listening to lot more music though. You are keeping at it with Violin and Tennis and Table tennis and all the stress-baking, of course! Due to the pandemic, we have been traveling within the country for the holidays. Since Swiss has no dearth of exotic places, there were many hikes, many lakes, a week of skiing and snowboarding, day trips and what not! They were sometimes accompanied by sulking and complaining and tantrums and resistance. Its a task to get you out of the house. You drag your feet, steal my socks, tease your sister, try your fathers last ounce of patience. But you relent. You listen. And I am thankful for that. You do you. We will get by. 

I call you selfish a lot of times. "Its always I, me, myself with you", I say to you. But when I actually sit and think about it, you are far from it. I know for sure I did nt do even a fraction of what you do when I was your age. Its not just doing the laundry. Its also folding the clothes into neat little squares and taking them to each persons room and leaving them on their bed. Its not just making two cups of tea for me and your dad. Its the perfect ratio of ginger to milk to sugar. Its not just baking a cake for each one of us. Its the personalized touch in each one of them. Its just not setting the table for a special dinner. Its the napkin folded into flowers and the exquisite taste in decorating. Its not just recommending a secondary school for your sister. Its the research you do and the pros and cons you list. I can go on. I am sure you get the gist. If and when you do something, you give your 100%. I am the selfish one to want more. I am sorry to be so greedy.

The other day we were joking about something and JK Rowlings name was mentioned as it invariably does in our household and you said, “I don’t like her that much anymore”. It could be because of JKR’s Transphobic comments or something else, I am not sure now. But it was a huge moment for me. I told you how this “cancel culture” is very prevalent these days and quite toxic. One can say, "I like JKR but I don’t like some of the things she says”, instead of a blanket “I hate her” comment. No one is perfect. People would nt be people without flaws. This strive for perfection whether its the physical look or the mental strength or that amazingly shot insta photo or the perfect grade in a school test, its impossible to expect it from people including oneself. We make mistakes. We learn. We forgive. We are forgiven. Life would be so dull otherwise. So please overlook the flaws and find the goodness in everyone. And forgiveness is so underrated. We forgive not because the other person deserves it, but because we deserve peace. I wish you all the peace and happiness in life, Kannamma! Happy sweet Sixteen!

Love,

அம்மா.

27.06.2020

Dearest Antu,

You think that you have figured me out. That I am sad that you are one more year older and that I am going to flood the house with my tears that my baby is turning 12. But I refuse to be predictable. I am very excited and very happy, I would like you to know. 12 is a wonderful age. Just perfect. One year closer to the Teens. I cant wait! See? I can do it. I am smiling and NOT at all crying inside. I am NOT looking at your baby photos and its NOT breaking my heart into a million little pieces. In fact, I am so overjoyed that…. Fine! I give up. Who am I kidding? I am dying, alright? The world as I know it is coming to an end and I am terrified that I am gonna have two teens at home by this time next year. You have changed so much in the last one year. Unlike your sister with her devil may care attitude, you care too much and get hurt too much which in turn hurts me way too much even though I am the one causing the hurt most of the time. Go figure! Dysfunctional family, for the win!

You are very insightful and the topics of our conversations throughout the day range from favorite color to existential questions like “Who will tell your story when you die?” Sometimes I have to take a moment and reexamine my whole life just to answer a simple question from you. You are obsessed with all kinds of games like 21 Questions, Would you rather, What if.. and drive the whole family crazy with your non stop questioning and I do wonder if you would do well as a lawyer or a counsellor when you grow up! This one time you nagged your sister to play with you and she being who she is came up with “Would I rather play this game with you or jump into that pond there?” and you earnestly replied to her with a “jump into the pond?” half hoping you got the right answer and at the same time worried that she means that! Oh my poor little darling! Always worried about when your moms going to blow up, when your sisters going to get upset, when your father is going to stop making you pancakes! (The last one will never happen, you and I know that!) We all love you in our own way and would do anything to make you happy, got it?

You are majorly into paper crafts and make all kinds of awesome stuff watching youtube videos. The 3D and pop out cards you make for us are legendary in our family and I have no clue how you got to be so talented. Taken after your sister, truly. Also the reading. We have turned you into a total potterhead too. You finished reading all of the Harry Potter books multiple time in both English and German and and currently you are reading them to your dad. Interesting thing about reading books in two languages, I asked you the other day if you prefer to read in English or German and you said “I prefer German if they are originally written in German” and I was blown away by that information. Go forth and conquer, my girl! Music is also a big part of your life. You are very interested in what I am listening in Indian film music. You are learning to play Piano, you have made a huge progress in Carnatic music and can sing like a dream. (Though extremely shy to sing in front of an audience!) My favorite part of the day is when I am prepping dinner and you sit near the kitchen with your Shruthi box and practice your singing. I could nt be more proud of you.

School and friends are your raison d’être and the 3 months of lockdown this year was quite hard on you. But it also gave a chance for you to be glued to your father like you used to long back and its heart warming to see you both spend so much time together. That man has been a goner from the moment he laid his eyes on you, the exact second you took your first breath but he’s truly and deeply wrapped around your little finger now and I am equal amounts proud and jealous of that fact! You worship your sister and any praise from her is a gift from the Gods for you. You respect me but also afraid to disappoint me. You adore your grand parents and uncle and aunt and very much upset about the cancelled travel plans this summer to meet them all. You are kindness personified and almost always make the right choice. May be, you will tell our story, Antu. I would very much like that. Keep being you, Kannamma. Wishing you a wonderful 12th Birthday!

Love,

அம்மா.

05.06.2020

Yes. It's one of those mushy anniversary anecdotes. 20 years together and I think it deserves some reminiscing. The husband of mine is an enigma. And I don't mean that in a mysterious or layered way. He's just an unpredictable idiot with a side of adorable. You can put any two beings together for 20 years, throw in a couple of kids, privileged life, barely-there-first-world-problems and I ll bet my last Rappen that they both can live relatively happy ever after! Same goes for us, I guess. Nothing earth shattering there. Love, shove, death do us apart are all fine and good when ones young and clueless but if the art of loading a dishwasher is what makes or breaks a marriage, we are at a strong 8/10 after 20 years of training. (I mean how hard is it to try to fit one more spoon, I ask you?)



Hiking with the kids is always accompanied by some weird games Antu comes up with. Shes the master of Questions. So this one time, we were playing a mix of "Would you rather", "Two Truths and a Lie" and "What would you do if..." 

Question 1: Which one thing or one person would you take with you if you are stranded in an island?

Me (even before she finishes the question) - Your father!

The said father (after thinking about it for 2 whole minutes) - A dog!

Question 2: If theres one thing you would change about Appa/Amma, what would it be?

Me  (after thinking about it for a bit) - nothing exactly. No, wait a sec. I ll change something so that hes not allergic to pollen anymore. Hes really in a bad shape in spring.

The said allergic Wimp (immediately) - Her anger! I ll make her less angry!

Question 3: Two truths and a lie?

Me (Baring my heart and bringing out childhood trauma and untold secrets) - 

1. I had a crush on a boy when I was in 5th grade.  (True.)
2. Once I did nt talk to my father for three whole months (Also true.)
3. When I was 15, I went on a hunger strike for 5 days. (Lie. It was only for 4 days!)

The said Enigma:

1. I like Jasmine
2. I like spiders better than bees
3. I like flying.

I swear on God, I was ready to kill the man in spite of his 8/10 dishwasher loading capabilities. No one is that desperate for perfection! (Fine! Who am I kidding? Perfection or death is my motto in life!) Anyway, the man is the Ron to my Hermione. Especially his "emotional range of a teaspoon"! Of course, hes also an ace strategist like Ron and got out of his murder situation by explaining that he would nt want me to suffer with him stranded in an island and he would always want the best for me and went all deep with Q2 "I like you just the way you are. But you are always upset with yourself about your anger and I want only what you want for yourself"! (Ahem. Where's the damn tissue? May be I am allergic to pollen too? *wipes tears*) But that still does nt explain his LIE. He does nt like jasmine, it seems?? WHAAAAA? Which self respecting Tamil Male does nt like jasmine now?? Whats the next big reveal? He does nt like (H)alwa also? Anyway, I digress. What I am trying to say is that you think you know a man after twenty years of being his jailmate out of which the last 90 days, you were literally his cellmate thanks to the lockdown but he still manages to surprise you!

Dear Enigmatic Idiot,

I would hate you if I did nt love you so much. I don't know what good I did to deserve you in this life, but I hope I am doing enough good to deserve you in my next too. Happy 20th! Never stop surprising me.

Always yours until the end of time aka the elusive 10/10,
S

27.04.2020

Dearest Ashu,

Yet another year gone by and you turn 15 today amidst interesting times. The last 6 weeks of being cooped up together in our house with the four of us with just a break here and there and we both have nt attempted to murder each other. As yet. I am so proud of both of us. Not just for these past weeks but the whole last year where I finally feel we have grown up in our tumultuous relationship. You are showing much maturity and I think Im inching towards being patient. A big phew and all that! That does nt mean you are nice or anything. You are the reputed snark queen in the house and sarcasm could be the lowest form of wit but its your choice of weapon to wield! Oh and how you wield it! I used to get so annoyed with your utter lack of respect and my oft repeated mantra "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything!" fell to deaf ears. But later I realized that a snarky, sarcastic Teen who is at least talking is better than one who keeps to herself and never shares anything! So bring it on, Girl! After all, you learnt from the best and I can give it back as good as I get it!  Challenge accepted! 

You are very creative and have such clever hands. Be it playing the violin or plaiting your hair or your sisters. Playing Table tennis and winning medals in school tournaments or baking and decorating delicious and stunning cakes. Solving rubic cubes or drawing and sketching. Setting up elaborate projects on domino effect or making and editing ultra cool videos. You are a true star! Your talent astounds me and the amount of hard work and dedication and creativity you show at this age makes me feel like I was a total Buffoon when I was your age. And if my ego would allow me to say it, I still feel like one! You still have nt met a book you did nt like and listen to music all the time! Billie Eilish is your current Queen and your devotion to her is up there with JK Rowling and that's saying something! Keep reading and keep yourself surrounded with music and do something creative every day of your life!

My second best moment of the past year would be our girls trip to Berlin back in October.  I had always wanted to go on a trip with just us three girls and decided it was high time for me to adult and we flew to Berlin for 4 days. To put it mildly, I was terrified! But we had such fun and you were so responsible and were so happy and had such a good time that we were planning another trip even before we landed back in Basel. Which has nt happened yet and seeing how the world is going right now, it might not happen again in a long, long time but we will always have Berlin, won't we? And in December, we 4 went to the Andalusian region of Spain and we had a fantastic 8 days in Seville, Malaga, Granada and Cordoba. You were in love with the choice of food there especially the churros and chocolate combo and wanted so badly to extend the trip. We walked close to 100 kms in those 8 days and had an amazing time sight seeing. Even if we are quarantined for eternity, I could look back at all our family vacations and be content knowing how we have such a wonderful travel history. Especially you at this young age.  Always remember that you have been gifted with this privilege and please pay it forward in any way you can.

Now onto my most favorite heart melting moment of you at Age 14! A little history first. So its a known fact that I love Harry Potter. And I have a love/hate relationship with a certain Mr. Snape. Both you and Antu cannot for the lives of you understand why I adore him one moment and call him a selfish B@$T@&D, the next second. And having watched the movies like 17 times with Alan Rickman portraying Snape as if he was born to do the role does not help my case one bit. And I am ALWAYS, ALWAYS (Get it?) attracted to these kind of grey roles. Good is boring. Bad is terrible. But the ones in between are just right and delicious to devour in fiction. I love to analzyse these characters to death. And there's one scene in the 7th movie which is my favorite scene in the entire HP franchise: the back profile of Snape against a huge window. I love that scene and the framing and keep telling you all that I would love to own a poster of this frame whenever we watch the movie.(which is a lot!) Its just such a melancholic and breathtaking scene even without a single dialogue. So what do I see when I open my birthday present from you this year? A handmade notebook with a cover of the above said scene. WHICH YOU HAND PAINTED! I cried. I ugly cried. I cannot begin to describe the emotions I went through when I saw your thoughtful gift. All I will say is, I love you Pattu. Have a wonderful 15th Birthday. Stay blessed. Always.

Love,

அம்மா. 

The gift.

London.

Hd and I lived in the UK for a few years long before the kids came along. It was my first "foreign trip" and first foreign home so it has always been extra special. That was 14 years back. In the last 10 years of living in Swiss, we have always wanted to visit London. Especially, to take the kids there but the visa was painful to get and so expensive. Not to mention, there were so many Schengen countries to visit so London had to wait. Finally it happened earlier this month. I was so excited to visit London and thrilled to take the girls. The spoilt brats were of course whining why we had to go anywhere at all not knowing that I had a huge surprise for them. I realized quite late that the Harry potter Studio tickets need to be purchased in advance and scrambled just a week before our trip and there were tickets only on one day, the first day of our one week trip. Managed to buy them in nick of time and kept telling the kids that theres a huge surprise. I had also booked tickets for Matilda musical which was supposed to be a decoy surprise. Yes, I take surprises very seriously! :)

We landed on Sunday afternoon, met an old friend for dinner and the next day, proceeded to Watford. The kids were dying to know where we were going and the excitement was building! When they saw the shuttle bus at the train station, their faces completely lit up! We had a great time at the studio. I don't know who was more excited, them or me! We 3 had good fun making fun of Hd who was the weakest Potterhead in the family. Wands were bought, butter beer was drank, props and costumes were seen, the sets were enjoyed,... It was truly a magical time. Then we rushed to a very special friends house who I met though this very blog! It was only the second time we were meeting face to face and the first time was when her family came to Zurich 4 years back. We had a scrumptious dinner at her place. Thanks, Rads. I finally made it! :)

I realized it was a bad idea for having planned the HP tour on day 1 because the girls did nt want to get out of the hotel room the rest of the week! All they wanted to do was stay in and read! It was a huge pain to get them out of the room every morning. Anyhow, we managed to see the touristy sights, the must see museums and my long list of restaurants. Matilda was excellent. Kids were thrilled to visit Hamleys and Harrods and were quite excited to see the bookshops because all the books are in English! Simple pleasures. But that meant, books were bought and were finished even before the train ride ended. Reminded me of the good old days when I would nag my dad to buy me a Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys from the Higginbothams or one of the platform shops before our overnight train trips. A trip to Windsor and a visit to one of our oldest friends concluded the trip and the next day, we flew back to Basel. 

Loved this trip a little bit extra because it was nt a new place and I did nt have this obsession to see everything and it was wonderful to show the sights to the kids and enjoy it with them. Lots of andha kaalathula*... dialogues were used much to my chagrin. How I stumbled upon my first harry potter book in WH Smith while waiting for Hd and how we both waited in a long line to watch the first HP movie, how I used to pretty much live in the British Museum and National gallery, the shop where I bought my first winter jacket, that our first Swiss trip was from London, etc... etc... Ashu could nt roll her eyes any faster and Antu could nt ask questions any quicker! When their aunt asked them how London was, "its like India. Very dirty", was the reply! Sigh. Irony just died. Well, I will always love you, London! God save the Queen. Cant wait for Season 2 of The Crown! :)

* In those days...