27.06.2014

Dear Antu,

My heart weighs a tonne as I write this and its not only because I have to start buying train and bus tickets, swimming pool and other miscellanious entry tickets now that you are six and they are not free anymore! Well that too! But mainly because you are SIX! The first thing you did today after waking up was to go and stand against the height chart and see how much taller you have got now that you are six! :) You have had the most exciting year but then being Antu is always exciting! You are always singing or dancing or living in your fancy pretend world! We are all mere servants who exist to fulfill your every little wish! A simple "no" from me will make you cry buckets and declare "You don't even like me!" and stomp off! Your dad though is a big fan of your extreme drama and laughs at the most inopportune moment making you even more mad! Will the man ever learn, you think?

First year of Kindergarten is almost done and you are in love with your school, your teacher and friends. You walk to school and back on your own and so very responsible with your things. You notice everything thats happening around you and come home and tell me everything! You have started reading a lot and progressed to chapter books now and its heartening to see you follow your sister in this regard. I found you reading while walking to the car the other day and I had to ask you to stop doing that but not without a secret smile in my face! :) Its so sweet to hear you talk in German to your friends and please forgive me for taking secret videos of you doing that! Almost every video begins with you asking me "Are you taking a video?" and me lying "Of course not!" I know. I am awful like that!

You have a birthday party tomorrow at home with a few friends from school and you have planned every last detail! Your excitement is infectious and even Ashu, who could nt care two hoots about her own party, is planning stuff for you! But then having seen how awesome you were to Ashu on her birthday and the multiple birthday parties she had this year, its not surprising. Got to give it you for being so fair! You make everyone around you feel special and make sure everyone treats you special too! You even demand it! Which is something I can learn from you! At heart, you are a total daddy's girl but include me once in a while so that I don't feel hurt. Its the same with the Thathas, Perippa and Maama too! You have figured out that men are lot less complicated and most of all, they don't tell you what to do which is all you ever want!

You have a beautiful singing voice and know all the "Frozen" songs by heart and keep singing all the time. You love puzzles and origami and playing dolls. You love to dress up. You are cycling and roller blading already and go to swimming and ballet classes. You have said you want to learn the Piano and not Violin! You are Miss.Chatter box! Whenever we talk about moving out of Switzerland, you say "no way" and are almost in tears. Its touching how connected you feel to this place and the people. After all, this is the only home you have ever had. Today your aunt called and I was faking to cry on the phone and you were quick to tell your Perimma "Amma is crying because I am not a baby anymore!" Well you will always be my baby and no number can change that ever, got it? I love you loads my little baby and have a great birthday!

Love,

அம்மா.

"People who create their own drama deserve their own Karma".

What goes around, comes around! Nothing makes you believe in Karma like when one becomes a parent! Today around 2 pm, Ashu gets a call from her friend, Az asking if she wants to go to the pool with her. Ashu looks at me and I nod my head and she excitedly says yes to her friend, packs her bag and leaves the house. To the pool which is 5 mins walk from our house. At least thats where I assumed they were going and thats what Ashu told me as well. Cut to 5.30 pm - no sign of Ashu. At 6 pm, I am worried. Hd who was watching Nadal making history was worried enough to take his eyes off the TV and look at me. He then walked to the pool to see if she was there or in the nearby park but the pool was closed already and no one in the park. Then I started calling Az's home number, her parents mobile number but no answer. So I walk to Az's house which is 2 mins walk from our house. No ones home. I call three more of Ashus friends who are all in the neighborhood asking if they know where Az and Ashu went but no one knows. At 7.30 pm, my sister calls and asks if Ashu is home because I told her at 5.30 that she's not home yet. Now she's worried too! I knew Ashu would be fine and she would come home soon and safe but the not knowing where she was, was driving me crazy. And the fact that the girl did not think to call from her friends moms phone and tell me where she is and when she will be coming back. Not to mention the guilt trips I was taking. "I am an irresponsible parent! I should have checked with Az's mother. I should have told Ashu to call me if theres any change. " sigh. Anyway, Ashu got back at 8 pm. She had gone to another pool which is a 10 minutes drive away.  "I did nt know you will be worried, Amma. I was having so much fun that I did nt know it got so late. I did nt have my watch." Simple. And she got so upset that we were all worried for her. Sigh. 

The entire 2 hours when I was worried and looking out of the window every 5 minutes, there was only one thing I was thinking about. My Thatha. My Paternal Grandfather. I was 20 years old and in college. Usually I would be home around 5 pm. But on the day I would come late, I would find him standing outside the house, near the gate looking into the direction I would come from. If it was after 6.30 pm, then I can bet on my life that he would be standing there waiting for me. Sandhikaalam (dusk) was the curfew time according to him and in the morning when I left home, he would say "sandhikaalathukulla vandhudu" (Come back before dusk) and that was his way of saying good bye. Even when my parents did nt care, I knew Thatha would be waiting for me. And the most interesting part is that when I arrived late, he would see me and smile and walk back inside without asking me even a single question. I do not think I made him wait every other day but I do remember that in a span of 18 months, at least once a week I would momentarily forget about him because I was busy talking to the boys (what else!!) and would get home late and there I would see him in his white veshti and a mel thundu, waiting near the gate. And I don't remember he ever asking me why I was late. Not even once. And the next day, he would see me off with his usual send off. 

In those 2 hours, I was thinking about Thatha and his unconditional love and support and how patient he was with me and wowed to be the same way with Ashu. You give your child all the freedom they need and hope they are responsible with it. Thats all one can expect. And after all the careful planning on what to tell her and how to handle myself, I failed miserably! Guess one has to be a grandparent to achieve that kind of Zenness and a mere parent just won't do. In other words, Thatha did not slap me in my face because he knew Karma would! 

27.04.2014

Dear Ashu,

 You do not like too much attention to yourself and I don't know what you will make of all these birthday posts I write every year. May be these letters are just for me even though they are addressed to you. I look at the photos and letters from previous years and my eyes brim over with tears. How time flies and how fast a child grows! Sigh! This year has surely gone by in a hurry. You have always been very matured for your age and as years go by, the changes in you shock me more and more. "Are you Happy, Ashu?" is the question I ask you a lot these days because you seem to be in a "Why am I here?" mode most of the time. You have such simple needs and I learn a lot from you every day. I want to be you when I grow up! :) 

You are the queen of moderation. You like to dress up but you don't care about it too much. You like to eat sweets and watch tv but can also go days without asking for these. You have friends but not many. You talk to people but not too much. Of course, when it comes to reading, its a different story all together. The other day I was cleaning your room and was putting away some stuff to give away and was asking you and Antu what you need and what you don't. You said, "You can give anything away, Amma. Except my books!" You have high expectations for yourself and when you think you have nt met them, you get extremely upset. I make the situation worse by commenting on it which in turn makes you turn nasty to me which makes me lose my temper and the cycle goes on! I wish I were calm and collected and all zen because you deserve a mother like that. Better luck next time, kiddo!

As always, you are doing fine in school, making new friends and keeping in touch with old friends. When your best friend G dropped in on a surprise visit two weeks back to see you, you were so happy! Even though it has been a year since she left the country, you both started giggling as soon as you met and closed the door on us and talked for hours! Which is saying a lot for a child like you. Its heart warming to see you in that mode, Ashu and I wish you have many, many more people like these in your life. This year, we are in the US and you are celebrating your birthday with your uncle and aunt. Its so special for you. Also a bit sad that this is the first birthday you are away from your father and both of you are missing each other a lot. But my very dear cousin and his wife came to visit and theres a big party waiting for you in a few hours so I hope that makes up for it. Try to enjoy all the attention, please!

Antu and you! Sigh! Where do I begin? Lets just 

say planets were nt aligned well for sisters this year and leave it at that. Im gritting my teeth and telling myself that its a phase and you both will grow out of it and I hope it happens really soon for my own sake! I have been saying the exact same dialogues to you girls which my mom used to say to us and I don't even have to rehearse the lines. They automatically pop out of my mouth when the need arises. One would think that two kids who share their mom and dad with each other would have no problem sharing a lousy pencil or a piece of paper between them but NO! Apparently its too much to ask! I hope nine is the magic number and you become the doting sister you were once again. That said, you are very protective of her and ever since we lost Antu in Disneyland for half a minute three years back, you watch her like a hawk every time we are in crowded places. You know every little thing about her. Which is sometimes good and at time, very BAD!

India, Austria, Morocco, USA trips happened this year and you are a happy traveller. We visited Universal studios and Sea World the last couple of days with two sets of uncles and aunts and you had a blast! When almost every child was walking around with souvenirs and stuffed toys, I was the mean mom who would nt buy anything for you two. At the end of the trip, when I relented and let you girls choose one thing, Antu chose the little girl with a unicorn and you wanted all the three girls from the Despicable Me movie. When I said one, you said that the three girls are together and you can't choose just one and you were ok not buying them rather than buying just one. Even though its just a silly movie, it makes me proud that you care about people. I am little proud of myself that I did nt give into the marketing scam! Happy 9th Birthday my little big Girl! Its double digits from next year and I hope to cherish this special year as much as I can and hold on to this nine year old you for ever!

Love,

அம்மா.

2. Klasse

Ashu started 2nd Grade today. On any day, I would be crying and getting senti over it. But this is a big change in so many levels.  We switched her from the international school (IS) she has been going to for the past 4 1/2 years to the local school (LS). Even though IS was a 15 km/20 minutes drive and now LS is a mere 250 metres/5 mins walk from home, the huge change which was giving me sleepless nights (just a figure of speech. I slept like a log!) was the language. From a complete English environment with a bit of German lessons twice a week, she would be going to a completely German school. And last month when we went to meet the class teacher, he had a translator present for our benefit!! With self doubt every step of the way, I was worried Ashu will catch on to it. But bless her little soul, she was quite brave about the whole change. Today I walked her to school with the intent of going upto her class and have a few words with her teacher but when we went there was not one parent in sight! (All kids are supposed to walk to school on their own!) What a sharp contrast to the IS where truck loads of parents can be found outside school at any given time of the day! A little girl from Ashus class figured out shes the new girl and asked me if she can take her inside and Ashu was ok too. So I just left her there and walked back home. *sob sob* 

And you know what? Shes going to come home for lunch at noon! Thats what all the kids do. Or go to the Hort where they can have supervised lunch bought from the cafeteria. They cant take packed lunch. And she has a one hour and 50 mins lunch break! Have you fainted yet? If not, another bit of a shocker. She has only 3 full days in a week. Wednesday is a half day for everyone anyway. And her class is off on Friday afternoons too. So she will be home at 11.50! There goes my full day plans! I left the house at 11.45 today to pick up Ashu for lunch and she met me half way! She came running and hugged me and had a huge grin on her face! Phew. And then she dropped a bomb that broke my heart to million little pieces! She said, "Dont come to school anymore, Amma. I can walk on my own!"

A Big Fat Indian Wedding.

Our India trip in April was such a hit! To begin with, this was the first time we were going to India for two weeks. Usually its at least 4 weeks! But I found out that one can accomplish a lot in 2 weeks in spite of a broken knee! :) Restaurant hopping like crazy - check. Shopping like crazy - check. Attend at least two weddings - check. The only thing I missed this trip was going to Kumbakonam where my parents live. But since they were to be in Madras the whole time, I thought it would nt matter. But what do you think happened? My parents along with my sister and Bil took both Ashu and Antu and went to Kmu for three whole days leaving me all alone with my ILs. All because Ashu said that an India trip is not complete if she does nt get to see her Thatha-Paati's house and her Kmu friends! Some people have it all, I tell you! Hd joined us only the second week and even then he had to work from there. 

My cousin R's wedding was on 12th and we were leaving on 13th, so the last 3 days were quite a blur. It was a beautiful wedding. And for the first time, Sis and I experienced the royal treatment one gets when ones part of the Groom's party! R and P made a cute couple and I really had to choke back tears when I was tying the third knot in the Thaali. I totally get now why certain women get crazily possessive when their sons/brothers get married! R's whole life flashed in front of my eyes in a second. How I baby sat him for an entire summer when he was teeny weeny baby, stealing his cerelac and eating it, how on the day of his ayush homam my ears were pierced, helping him with home work when he was a little boy, playing badminton, chess, carom and cards with him, how I named his first dog which was a gift from my dad, watching Baasha with him in Devi theatre, what fun we had in his poonal and what a brave boy he was when his head was shaved, how he spent lots of his holidays with us doing nothing remotely interesting except playing cards, how I confessed to him all my supposedly "boy friend problems" even though he was a lot younger than me, his "machinan" role in my wedding and his "maama" role in Ashu's birthday, ... and now here he was, my little baby brother, all grown up and married to a beautiful woman! Whoa! How time flies! Congrats again, Bro!

Ashu and Antu loved all the attention and thoroughly enjoyed the wedding. For Antu - it was like dream come true what with change of costume 5 times a day! My mom got the girls beautiful accessories, stitched paavadais from her old silk sarees, plaited their hair with sowri, (long fake hair) decorated with hair ornaments,... the works! Tough competition for the bride, I should say! :) Sis and I decided to dress up to the nines as well and were all matching-matching competing with Ashu and Antu! And the food! Oh God! The food! As if the wedding feast was nt enough, the day before the wedding we went to The Great Kabab Factory for dinner and loved it! Lovely experience! The flight to and fro was nt as bad as I thought it would be what with my knee! The wheel chair assistance was awesome. Ashu was thrilled to ride the golf carts inside the airports, her long time dream!

Its back to the grind now after all the fun. But there are always the photos to remind us of the fun times. :)

27.04.2012

Dear Ashu,

Seven has been my favorite number ever since I can remember. I don't know why. I have no special sentiment about it but whenever the topic of favorite number comes up, I realize I have a special place for that number. When you were a baby, seven year olds looked like giants to me. But how can YOU be seven today? You are still so little and so cute! Well, I am a "little" biased, I guess! :) Like every year, you have been so excited about your birthday. Its heart warming to see that for you, its not about the party or the gifts. Just the fact that you are turning one year older! What I would nt give to become zen like you! I would never ever forget the way you stood next to me for more than 15 minutes waiting to see if I can put the skis on by myself after I had the fall. You could have just zoomed past. But no, that's not you. And when I told you to ski ahead and call Appa for help and to stay with Antu until we reached that place, you were gone in a blink. That meant a lot to me, kiddo! More because visualizing Antu in your place, I'm sure I would have had to drag my butt in the snow to catch her from running away in the opposite direction! I owe you big.

Talking about your sister, I apologize from the bottom of my heart for having unleashed her on you.You deserved better. Like your own twin or something! Not this pint sized super brat who's current mission in life is to make your life hell. I can only promise you that it will get better and you ll learn to ignore her!  But you have to agree that she is very cute when she wants to be. Like when she needs your help or when she wants something that you have or when she comes crying to you after getting yelled at by me! As always, you are being a fabulous older sister and looking out for her always. Hope you never stop doing that. Yesterday you lost your third tooth and when I suggested we pretend that tooth fairies are real for Antus sake, you got all excited and winked at me and whispered to me to leave a gift that you both can share! And in the morning when you saw an Amar Chitra Katha book under your pillow, you kept it back there and waited for Antu to wake up and made her open the gift. That was really sweet of you.

Usually one US trip and one India trip happen between your birthdays but this year, there has been an additional India trip as well. Talk about getting pampered. I am sure R's wedding will be fondly remembered by you for many years to come. Just like sis and I still talk about our uncle's (R's dad) wedding. While I was thinking that being in India would make you more outgoing, you completely clammed up and refused to even say hello to all the relatives. Theres no figuring you out. The more I nagged you to talk, the more you went into your shell. I hope someday you will explain all this to me. All said and done, I want you to be yourself. If you want to be that "mysterious woman" when you grow up, so be it. I ll learn to make peace with that. I just hope Antu invites me to the parties she throws! :) You have blossomed in school though. Unfortunately, you will not be continuing in this school for 2nd grade. It breaks my heart to leave this school after five long years but you are every excited about the upcoming change. God knows how you can have no fear for the unknown. But then as a kid, almost everything is new so that's alright, I guess.

You enjoy playing the violin and try to write your own music. You write and illustrate books. You sing and dance. You can almost read Tamil and with a little more practice, can write too. All thanks to your grand mother! You have lots of special friends but not one who is a little extra special to you. You love to draw, paint, cut, color and make things. Once you begged me to let you use the ipad on a non-screen time day so that you can search for "simple crafts" in youtube and make a penguin out of a toilet paper roll! Thank God you don't know to clear history yet! You read a lot. Until recently there was not one book in this house which I had nt read to you. We used to read, listen, laugh, think and discuss together. Now you are reading sitting in one corner and giggling to yourself and I feel so neglected and useless. And I don't know whats happening in that part of your world. From this cool mom who was reading to you hundreds of books, I have become the annoying mom who is asking you not to read while in the car, while eating and sometimes while waiting for the elevator. Seriously? 

I do think I have become more patient with you this year but I also make the mistake of expecting a lot from you. Sometimes, I forget you are a little girl and expect you to act responsibly all the time. Who asked you to be so smart and mature? The other day we were talking about extreme sports and you asked me why people risk lives like that. I told you that its their choice and that anything can happen to anyone at anytime and who is to say driving the car or going by a plane is any less risky? And pat came your reply, "But I NEED to go to school by car, Amma. I NEED to go by plane to US to see Perimma and Perippa. But people don't need to bungee jump or sky dive, right?" *gulp* And I thought I was the lawyer in the family! I wish you were nt so logical all the time and do some silly stuff now and then. I said silly not stupid, OK? :) Love you million, billion, zillion darling! Happy Birthday!


Love,
அம்மா.

27.04.2011

Dearest Ashu,

You turn six today! Like your Perimma remarked the other day, you are not a kid anymore. But a young girl! At least that's what the the clothing store is labeling you. You look quite grown up all of a sudden too. You talk like one most definitely. You are so profound at times that I go completely speechless. One day I spilled some milk on the kitchen counter and was cleaning it. You happened to be there and I told you, "See Ashu? It was an accident. I spilled some milk and I'm mopping it. Everyone makes mistakes and its OK!" Because you think you are Miss.Perfect and whenever you make some mistakes, you go out of your way to defend yourself and we both always get into an argument over that! For which you replied, "You have your mistakes, Amma. I have mine" and walked away. Whats the word? Yes, speechless. You are also brutally honest. Like the other day when you asked me to draw a heart for you and I did. When I asked you how the heart looked you said, "Its not perfect. But its better than mine." Sigh.

As always, we traveled a lot this year too and my heart swells with pride to see what a good traveler you are. Whether it was our week long Norway trip where I did nt include anything kid oriented just because it was our anniversary trip or the Yosemite road trip from San Jose or the camping trip or the annual trips to the US and India, the special Kerala trip this year or the local trips within Swiss or the recent Disneyland trip, I cant remember you giving me trouble for anything anywhere. I so wish you teach a thing or two to your sister though! You also spent loads of time with your Grand Parents, Perimma & Perippa and various other relatives and friends and like I repeat every year, don't forget how lucky you are that they are part of your life. Especially your Perippa who came all the way from the US to surprise you on your birthday this year armed with gifts. What a treat!

You became a Kinder Garten Girl this year and to see you so proud of your school, class, teachers and friends is heart achingly beautiful. You think your teachers know everything and even your Super-Mom comes only second to them. It makes me so happy that you are in such a healthy and cheerful environment when you are away from home. G has been with you for the third year in a row and am crossing my fingers for the next. You had a fantastic time skiing this season with your best buddy S. You danced on stage with 5 other little girls. Twice. Though the swimming classes keep getting interrupted, you love water. Another thing you love is climbing. Last year the same time, I never thought that you would do these things. I cant believe that the rather reserved five year old Ashu disappeared although I see her now and then. But that's because you are selective. Which is really brilliant, if you ask me. I wish I were like that. And oh, you eat Broccoli. Willingly.

Although you seem to be a serious girl, you can be downright silly when you want to be. Right to the point of annoying. God knows why you save those phases only for me though! While you talk like a grown up about certain things, I'm glad you have your childish innocence intact too. Like how you wanted the Ben 10 t-shirt and when I gently asked you when you are planning to wear it, you replied, "I will wear to school, Amma! I don't care if people think only boys wear Ben 10 clothes." And when we were reading some happily ever after story, you remarked, "You know, Amma? Even a man and a man can marry. Woman and woman too!" I don't know where that came from but am glad it did. You are still obsessed with being a twin and I'm dreading the day you ll start reading the St.Clare's series because that's when my obsession began. With the O'Sullivan twins. I apologize in advance, OK? It was nt in my hands. Because if I could have had two of you, I most certainly would have.

Antu and you are inseparable these days. It might sound outright silly to you but I drop whatever it is I'm doing and start listening to your conversations on the sly because they are unbearably cute! The way you look out for your sister is amazing. Whether its holding the elevator doors for her or helping her climb a chair or help her dress up, you are there for her 100%. I used to think that my sister was born an older sis. She was so mature and responsible even at a very young age. God knows why I doubted you when I was expecting Antu. You have turned out exactly like that. The other day in the park, you and I were sitting on the steps and eating a snack while Antu and a little older boy were running around in circles. Antu was following him like a puppy and both our gazes were following them. Then the boy turned a corner out of our vision and Antu followed him. Even before I said something or got up, you were up and running behind Antu. It took you only a split second to do that and I was totally amazed. How did you know to do that? Was it instinctive? I have never been more proud of you than that moment. May you and Antu always look out for each other. That's my only prayer. Happy 6th Birthday, Darling!

Love,

Amma.

What is Antu upto?

Antu is growing up so fast that it hurts me unbearably. I don't know if its with the second borns but with Ashu I was always looking forward to the next stage. May be now that I know whats coming, it pains me whenever Antu reaches a new milestone. Crazy, I know! A month ago, Hd was short listing play schools for Antu and I glared at him. "She so ready, ok?", he said. "But what about me? Im not ready to send her. Ever", I replied. "The thought of sending her to school feels like someone is stabbing at my heart with a knife and then twisting it!", I added. He sighed, shook his head and gave up. Shes almost 2 1/2 now and I know its a good idea to send her from Jan. But it breaks my heart. However weird that might sound, it truly does. Yesterday I took her to a new play school for a tour and she just went in, took her shoes and jacket off and went straight to the play room and started playing. As if she has been coming here every day all her life! She even found a friend. The boy is a friends son and she has seen him a few times before. And an hour later, when I was ready to leave after talking to the caregivers, I had to go and find her and she refused to come! So my brain tells me that shes so ready but my stupid heart is in denial. Hoping 2011 will knock some sense into me!

I was watching TV one day and there was this commercial for some charity. A picture of a starving, sick African baby. All skins and bones and lying on the ground. Looking straight into the camera with painful eyes. Since I had seen this ad many times before, I quickly turned my eyes away from the TV with a bit of a guilt. And I heard Antu say so cheerfully and loudly, "Look Amma. A baby!" And she had such genuine happiness in her face and was thrilled to see a fellow baby on screen. I was captivated by the childish innocence. When do we start losing it?

When we ask the dreaded question, "Whom do you like more? Amma or Appa?", she does nt waste a moment before answering "Appa!" The ungrateful brat! 5 years and counting and Ashu has never ever said anything but "both" to this question. Karma, surely! I remember I used to say "only Appa" when I was a kid. Actually, I think I still do! :)

And another day she brought a drawing to me and said "Lookit amma!" I think she was tired of always seeing her sister bring me drawings to show and get all the compliments. So I oohed and aahed at the drawing and asked her, "Who did this, Antu?" and she immediately answered, "Ashu did it." My poor little kid! Im sure she ll get there one day!

Antu is such a happy child with a smile pasted in her face all the time. She has to reach out and touch babies when she sees them. She has to go sit near kids in parks. She comes to us for random hugs. Shes delighted to see Ashu after school. Its just impossible to be mad at her for more than 2 seconds because she ll totally charm your pants off with the most sweetest "sorry"!

Needless to say, she has her dad neatly wrapped around her little finger. The other day I had a talk with Hd on how hes letting her get away with anything and that he has to be more stern. And his reply, "But she's a baby. She's not even three!" This is the same guy who gave time outs to Ashu when she was 2 years old, mind you!

Talking about time outs, Ashu hates this word even now and takes it as a huge insult if I say the T word. But Antu? Gives herself time out happily and goes and sits in a corner for 2 mins, apologizes, gives me a hug and walks away content as if she has taught me a lesson!! What the hell!

She uses her left hand most of the times and Im eagerly waiting to see if she's going to be left handed. Im a secret admirer of lefties. :)

Antu started eating chocolates very recently and is not a big fan yet. I know things might change rapidly but Im proud nevertheless.

Shes a total party girl. She loves to drop Ashu at school and then pick her up. Loves when Ashu has friends over. Loves when we go to a friends place. Loves to accompany us to the swimming pool for Ashu's class. Can name every one of Ashu's friends and their siblings to boot!

She has a special bond with men. Her dad, her uncle, her grandpa, friends son, a friends husband,... are a "leetle" more special than the boring women in her life!

Both Ashu and Antu have always been good sleepers. They give me grey hairs in the food department but if theres one thing I totally escaped from, its sleep deprivation. And thank God for that. Because to be honest I am quite murderous even after 8 hours of sleep! But while Ashu was always rocked to sleep as a baby or by telling a story after story for an hour in the dark until she went to sleep after she turned two, Antu learnt to sleep on her own ever since she turned 7 months old. She even tosses and turns for an hour sometimes before going to sleep and is quite content just lying on the bed. Just like her mom, I guess! ;) The other day at party in a friends place with house full of adults and kids, Antu was nowhere to be seen. I went to their kids bedroom to see Antu on their bed blissfully asleep hugging a stuffed bear while kids were making a ruckus just outside the room. My heart just swelled. Theres something about sleeping kids, I tell you. Especially when they are out like that in a party leaving you to eat the Kuzhi Paniyarams in peace! :)

27.04.2010

Here we are, Ashu. The magic number five. Its hitting me today more than the previous birthdays. You were after all only 1, 2, 3 and then 4. But now? You are FIVE. How much ever I want to avoid this "oh I cant believe you are so big. It feels like yesterday when the nurse brought you to me and I faked tears!", I am just not able to. Now that that's safely out of the way, what a year this has been! I don't know if I'm repeating this in all my birthday letters to you but this year has been the absolute best. Your little sister helped you in her own way to make it a great year and don't you ever forget that! She has been your playmate, punching bag, best friend, arch rival, soul sister,... all combined in one. But you ve been nothing but a role model for her. According to your little sister, you can do no wrong. And from my personal experience, its not going to change. Ever. Its a heavy cross to bear. So good luck with that!

You ve been going full days to school this whole year and loving everything about it. G is still your best friend and your teacher promised me that you both will be in the same class next year too because she does nt have the heart to break you two up. How sweet that you can make such strong bonds in such a young age! And when your teacher told me how you took M, the new girl in your class, under your wing and mothered her and made her feel welcome, I was so proud of you. Keep it up, dear. I do hope you don't clam up when I'm around though. I have nt heard you speak one word to your teachers or your classmates when I'm present. It breaks my heart not to see you bubbly and chatty but your teacher reassures me that you are very vocal otherwise. If I ask you, your reply is "But I'm shy, Amma!" Sigh!

We travelled so much this year and you ve been such a sport. You love staying at hotels and going by bus, tram and trains. You spent a considerable amount of time with your grand parents, uncle and aunt this year and I'm happy that we are able to pull this off year after year. You are so lucky to have such wonderful people in your life and that you see them a lot. I remember how you brave you were and did nt cry when we left India this time. And you understood when Paati left back to India after staying with us for almost 3 months. It amazes me to see how mature you are and how clearly you understand the rules of life. At the same time, you are absolutely certain that you want to visit your aunt and uncle this summer and even went on to tell your aunt over the phone, "You come here and take Antu and me with you to the US, Perimma. Let Amma and Appa stay back in Zurich"! Hmph!

The tantrums miraculously stopped when you hit 4 1/2. They do surface on and off but I can take that. And like you told me the other day, "I am not a robot, Amma" when I asked you to give me a big smile when you were upset about something! The cheek! By the way, you are the least materialistic person in this household. If its giving your car seat to your sister or the stroller or your clothes or your shoes, I have nt ever seen you even flinch. That's some trait I am still trying to acquire so hats off to you. Also, one can take you to a toy shop without a worry because you never seem to want anything that badly. You might point to something and ask me if we can buy it but you are very understanding if I say no. You have always been like this but I never thought its a big deal until I took your sister shopping the other day. Could you train her or something for me, pretty please?

You are so interested in reading and writing and the artsy-crafty stuff now that its not funny. I pack your writing pad, paper and pencils first before packing a snack for you when we go out these days. I have learnt to do so much this year that I'm quite surprised that I even have a creative side in me. You are everything I dreamed about, my dear girl. You are the perfect little five year old I imagined you will be. You know what I do to make myself feel better as a mom when I'm really, really feeling low? I compare myself to some really irresponsible adults. (I know that I tell you all the time not to compare but then have I ever lectured you on hypocrisy? Never.) But even in my lowest of lows, I never had to compare you to another child. And I promise I never will. Just shove this letter in front of my face if I ever did, OK? Love you with all my heart, my dearest Princess. Wishing you a very Happy Birthday!

Love,
Amma.

Are nt conversations like this supposed to happen when she is in her teens?

Amma, I don't like you.
Its OK. You don't ve to like me.
I am not going to talk to you forever.
That's OK too.
You are not my friend anymore Amma.
OK.
Amma..
(interrupting) I don't want to hear one more word from you.
But...
I said ...
Can I say one thing, Amma?
WHAT?
I don't like you.
Fine.
Fine.

The Karmic connection between Saakku Pai and Ballet.

When I was in college, post grad, I used to take a bus or my bike(kinetic) to get there. Some days, my dad used to drop me in his car if he had some work in that area. So this one day, I was getting ready and he offered a ride. I accepted and we walked to the car. The scene that met me was unbelievable. You cant guess even if I give you a million years. Imagine! A 20 year old getting dropped by her dad to college. A car whose entire back is loaded with saakku pai (jute bags) filled with some stuff. My dads boss is sitting in the passenger seat. The office security guy in full uniform ,with a huge moustache to boot, is sitting in the back holding the saakku pais in place so that I ve room to sit at the back!!! I double backed and told my dad that I ll take my bike after all, I ve to go to a friends house after class. He gave me a look and said, "vandeela eru"! (Get in!) Not wanting to create a scene before his boss, I did,while cursing him under my breath. I mean, is he a Moron? Which self respecting girl will sit amidst saaku pai and get dropped in college? We made some small talk with the boss and neared my college.

As soon as the side gate of my college came to view, I screamed ,"Stop here, Appa. I ll go through this gate". But fate was nt on my side that day. "No no. You ve to walk a long way if you go via this gate. Let me take you to the main gate. Saar wants to see your college campus too", said the man! Why, God, why? What did I ever do to you? Was this because I made fun of Shanthi when she came to school one day with a shaved head when we were four? Or because I pulled Chitras legs since she and her 3 siblings came in a Maatu vandi(bullock cart) to school? Or was it because I sniggered at Gundamma Ratnamala who brought this huge tiffin carrier(It was anju adukku, for Gods sake!) for lunch? It had to be Karma coming to bite my behind!

So dad pulls inside the main gate. Oh yes, my secret crush is standing right near his bike talking to some friends. He had to be there, right? And some of my classmates too. Oh, goody! "Stop here, Appa", I say again trying hard not to yell. But no. the man does nt get a hint even if the said hint is dancing butt naked in front of his eyes with a huge neon sign! He stops the car at last, right in the middle of the parking area. All eyes are in the car. I try to open the door and wriggle out. But the security guy is faster and wanting to prove hes worthy of the pay check, gets down first and with his side of the door left wide open, comes running to my side and opens the door for me. As if the Maruthi 800 stuffed with saaku pai was nt enough, the security guy opens the door for me as well! If ever there was a time I prayed Mother Earth to swallow me whole, that was it! I just gave my best dirty look to my father and muttered, "You could nt have stopped at the side gate, could you?" and walked inside with my head bent. Nothing dreadful happened actually in college. At least nothing that lasted more than a couple of days. I could always count on Sharmila and her current new boy friend to take over any other news! But I remember the feeling of humiliation. Till this day. May be I over reacted, may be I was just shallow, may be I was just silly, but the embarrassment was true.

I relived this incident last week. But from this side of the fence. It happened when Ashu told me, "You dont have to come to school to help me get ready for the ballet class, Amma. I can do it myself." And if this simple statement can hurt me so much when in fact she said that because she believes shes a big girl now and can dress up herself, how much more will it hurt me when she starts getting embarrassed by me? Sigh! Refer to my Karma statement on Paragraph 2. Circle of life, my dears, Circle of life. Its vicious.

With a heavy heart.

Last day at my parents'. Off to Madras tomorrow and then to Zurich on Tuesday. I don't know if Im relieved or sad. I told Ashu the other day, "Look Ashu, you should nt cry at the airport like last time. This time Appa is not here and Im alone with you and Antu. So you ve to cooperate ok?" My dad interrupted and said, "No,no.Sshes a good girl. She wont cry. Will you, Ashu?" "Yes thatha, I will cry", replied Ashu. Sigh! Was packing like crazy today. Seems as if I ve already developed roots here. The kids toys and books are all over the house. Our clothes are neatly stacked in the cupboard and I dont feel like packing them off and see an empty shelf. I dont know how my folks are going to bear it when they come back here from Madras to an empty house. Especially Antus soft babble and Ashus ear piercing "thaaaathaaaaa".

(Oh by the way, my knight in shining armor (Hd for the uninitiated!) is on his way to Madras fom ZRH right now. He ll reach tomorrow and then accompany us back on Tuesday. A sudden decision he took yesterday. I begged him not to and to please give me the ticket money in cash instead. The man would nt relent. But its such a relief. Suddenly I feel less burdened. As if someone took a load off my chest. Thanks, hon.)

In the evening, I was sitting on the terrace looking at the sky. Every evening, a flock of bight green parrots keep flying from one tree to another. Some 20 of them, either in small flocks or in one big flock. I can hear their loud "kee, kee, kee" a whole minute before spotting them. One cant see their color if we look at them against the blue sky. But when they all turn in unison against the backdrop of the huge neem tree, the gorgeous green color is sure to take ones breath away. It takes mine away every time. I dont think it can ever get boring. I have never been as blissful as I am at that moment. The going and sitting in the terrace waiting for the birds, then to hear their voice, then to see the flock and wait with bated breath just to get the glimpse of the green, the smile it brings to your lips, then just like that, the birds disappear. You dont know if you are happy or sad. But you are hopeful. That there will be a tomorrow. Somehow, all this makes me understand how my parents feel. For their grand kids. Sorry, Ma&Pa.

On that note (a la Tharini ;), wipe your tears and get ready for Ashus latest fad for silly jokes. Heres a sample.
Why did Tigger look into the toilet?

(scroll down)

He was looking for Pooh!

ROTFLOL!

27.06.2009

Dear Antu,

I was really wondering if I can just leave this link to the letter I wrote to Ashu on her first birthday and ask you to replace Ashu with Antu. I was hoping you would nt mind hand me down letters since you dont seem to mind the clothes! Then I totally forgot about you birthday because of the India trip and your Ayush homam planning. Then today when I was sitting on the Dentist chair with my mouth wide open and a tooth being drilled, I felt that I would rather take labor than dental work and told myself that I should be hit with a shoe if I go near a chocolate again. And that's when I remembered! Oh God! Almost a year gone by since my labor! Its you birthday in less than 2 days and I had no plans, no letters in draft. But you are very happy amidst the two set of doting grand parents, in Madras during the peak summer, playing in the beach, happily staying with one of the grand parents while your mother goes shopping. And my eyes truly welled up at the moment. Damn the painful dental procedures!

Sweetie pie, I love you. Happy Birthday! I thought Ashu was the perfect baby until you came along. Prove me wrong in the coming years too if you want me to live long and write birthday letters to my grand kids!

Love,
Amma.

ps.
Long back, my mom told me that my dad came to see me only after 22 days after I was born. May be she did nt realize what a potent weapon she was giving me by telling me that bit of information because I have used that line to blackmail my dad on every occasion and I still do. And I cant deny your weapon, Antu. Your dad is nt here for you first birthday. Go get him. ;)