27.04.2019

Dearest Ashu,
We celebrated your 1st birthday in India and now after all the years, we are here for your 14th birthday. From a Noddy themed birthday party where 100 people were invited to “I don’t want a party. I don’t want a cake. I don’t want any gifts, just get me a better phone. This one is dying”. May be you tried to say the same when you were 1 too and as usual I did nt listen! You are enjoying this trip and am glad I decided to come in this scorching heat because it’s so heart warming to see you so happy. When Thatha was driving the car from Kumbakonam to Chennai, you fought with me for the front seat and sat there and talked and laughed and enjoyed the trip with him. In contrast to Swiss where you put your headphones on and sit at the back and don’t say one word to me. You are so patient with both set of your grandparents and talk to them kindly and help them while you won’t even give the time of the day to your sister.  I guess I need these India trips to realize that the problem is not you, it’s me!

Your big wish came true this year. You always wanted to go to the USA on your own to your aunts house and I thought it won’t happen in the near future because why would nt Antu and I come too? But then the universe conspired and Antus passport did nt come back in time and we let you go first and we both joined a week later. My heart was in my mouth when I waited at the boarding gate and you walked to the plane. I came home and kept tracking the plane and thought I must be the worst mom in the world! You had a wonderful week and everyone had only good things to tell about you. We also went to Austria for the ski holidays, to the beautiful Croatia and then recently to Canary Islands which you loved! Mainly for the resort we stayed in. “ Will you promise we will come back here, Amma?”, you asked when we were checking out and I thought what spoilt kids I am raising and how hard adulting is going to be for you both! But then we sleep on a mattress on the floor in India and your grandmother drags you in an Auto to temples and you want to come back here too every year. So I guess all’s not lost. 

You have adjusted to Basel now and have made a few friends. You are very hard working in school and doing good. Come rain or snow, you cycle to school, do your laundry, leave the kitchen sparkling after your baking experiments, a little perfectionist in whatever you do and it makes me so proud. In school this year, the kids need to find a job for one week in May. And you sent out resumes to a dozen companies and none of them were doing this short internship programmes. You tried in book shops and libraries as it’s your dream come true job! Then desperately got in touch with our neighbor and went for an interview and got the job in their manufacturing department. What an amazing experience! I hope you enjoy and learn a lot! Good luck, Chellam! You also sneakily watch Netflix, listen to Ariana Grande all day long and read like your life depends on it. You are continuing to learn violin and play a little bit of tennis and table tennis. But would rather stay in your room than get out of the house. And these days I have to check with you before accepting dinner invites because “I have a test on Monday. I have to study for it. I can’t come out” excuses have begun!

Our fights have got more intense and more frequent much to my utter disgust but I don’t know what to do about it. There’s a thin line between letting you do whatever you want and making you do whatever I want and I seem to be struggling to find it. Please know that I am trying. I swear on your favorite Nutella that you are precious to me. It’s not easy to like you at this grumpy age but it does nt change my undying love for you. Please believe. In yourself and in your mother. Antus devotion to you and your fathers pride in you will never diminish. Not to mention the extended family which thinks the Sun rises and sets for you! So much so that my father plays the skip card to Antu but never to you in the Phase 10 card game much to all our protest! If that’s not love, I don’t know what is! Though you are not touchy feely and vocal about your feelings, your love for everyone shines through when you bake for them or when you make something for them.  I miss the cuddles and kisses and I love yous and I guess I have to grow up and accept that you are growing up. But please don’t feel shy to compliment, to love, to appreciate and to say a kind word, Ashu. Live life and live it well. Happy 14th Birthday, Chellamma! 

Love
அம்மா. 

27.06.2017

Dearest Antu,

It is that day of the year you look forward to eagerly. You start planning your birthday as soon as your sister's birthday is done in April. You loudly announce that its your birthday month on 1st June. You begin to wish for presents and finally narrow it down to three from which you know you will get one. And as usual, you ask if I have bought the present the previous day just to make sure! And nag your dad to take that day off even though you have full day school! We don't call you high maintenance for nothing and you prove it every day of every year. We do love that about you and life would be so boring otherwise.You are so excited about our special days too and you could be a poster child for Hallmark! Birthdays, anniversaries, valentines day, mothers day, christmas, navarathri,... Name it and you are there 100% into it. Your enthusiasm is infectious and we all bend backwards to please you. And looks like, we always will.

This year has been totally glamorous, travel wise. San jose trip, Alaska cruise, Corsica, Ski trip to Solden, Bombay wedding, Milan and Gardaland, .. you do live the high life! You have had a terrific time everywhere. And your ballet school has an amazing show once in two years and this year you performed in six shows over two weekends in June. It was a 2 1/2 hours show with around 200 kids and you were in three group dances with costume change and everything. You had rehearsals every saturday and sunday for the last two months. And on wednesdays and fridays for a couple of weeks. You missed loads of play dates, birthday parties, .. You were tired and you complained. But you did nt give up. You worked hard, you enjoyed the rehearsals, you loved dancing in the show and were so proud of your accomplishment. We all were. These are the times I realize theres life beyond school and the commitment and responsibility, hard work and accomplishment is a lesson well learnt. Kudos to you, my little Ballerina! 

You have this amazing world inside your little head and you live in that little world of yours. Everything has to be fair, everyone has to be nice, every little thing has to be perfect and its always fun, fun and more fun there. You are always humming or singing or dancing or doing cartwheels and sometimes I am afraid to call your name and pull you away from that perfect world. You imagine a new world in every mundane thing. Rescuing the good potato person from the evil rasam rice, saving the soap bubble from the bad shower head, building a house made of grass for the ants, the tiny baby spider trying to find its mom,... Theres an interesting story behind every bug you see, every toy you have, every twig you find and every place you visit. Oh to be as young and as carefree as you! Though I am the stupid adult now, its so heartwarming to be part of your wonderful world once in a while and I will always cherish it. Keep dreaming, little girl!

Your friends mean the world to you. Your dad is your hero and your sister the boss. I am your universe and you will do anything for us. You are a proper Swiss who likes only freshly made bread, gourmet cheese and dark chocolate. You are a recent owner of a brand new swiss army knife (you assembled it on your own with your name engraved on it) which you always take with you on your hikes. You play outside snow or sun and speak Swiss German with an adorable accent. You are so funny and so practical. The other day I was brushing your hair and you were screaming bloody murder as usual. I asked you why you scream like that and you answered that it hurts. "Is it going to hurt any less if you scream, Antu?", I asked. "No, Amma. But you might stop doing it!", you replied. Jaw, drop and all that. But it is so you. Love you to bits, Pattu. Happy 9th birthday!

 Love,

அம்மா.

27.04.2017

Dearest Ashu,

Twelve! You are twelve! Only twelve more months to hang on to this special age before the dreaded word "Teenager" is used to describe you! Sigh. Enjoy this year and don't be in a hurry to grow up, ok? This is the year you have gone very quiet and opening your mouth only to demand or complain. You must have rolled your eyes more than a million times and I wonder how your eyeballs have nt fallen out of their sockets! *insert eye roll* And a total homebody. "Can I stay home?" is your favorite question! Closely followed by "Where are we going?" and "Do I have to come?" But of course, you have no problem getting ready to go out to meet your friends or walking the neighbors dog. Who am I kidding? You are already a teenager!

On the upside, you have become quite handy around the house though. You assembled your new ikea desk all on your own without any help. I was amazed! And putting up the Xmas tree, arranging the Golu steps for Navarathri, fixing a tear in my dress, crocheting, buying milk from the nearby shop, putting away the groceries, unloading the dishwasher, taking Antu to her swimming,... It's unbelievable! You made a pasta lunch for yourself and your sister when I was nt well and the other day when I was expecting guests, you chopped loads of veggies for me. I realize I have been expecting a lot from you the last two years because of your dads long commute and returning home late. But you have come through full and full and I am so proud of you. 

We have travelled a lot this year too and you loved Budapest and Corsica. Not to mention the Alaska cruise with your grand parents and uncle and aunt and the India trip to attend my cousins wedding. And we are in Verona on your birthday this year and I don't know about you but I feel you are the luckiest girl in the world. Every time you complain or whine about anything, I can't help but wonder what more can anyone want? But I guess whatever a parent does, its never enough for the child. You don't understand why I won't let you watch screen during school days. Why I won't let you buy chocolate from the nearest bakery even if its "your" money. Or the mother of all "why can't I have a phone!" Well, you are getting your dads old iphone this year finally and I can't think of anything to say other than, I trust you and use it well.

You got braces this year and took it in your own stride and even going to the dentist on your own when I could nt accompany you to some of the appointments. I ask you to proofread my written German and you have quite a laugh hearing me speak the language. Karma has strange ways to get back at you, I guess. If it was my moms English then, its my German now. You watch it girl! You are addicted to reading and Minecraft. We both enjoyed watching The Series of Unfortunate Events together on Netflix. You loved snowboarding this year too and continued your tennis and violin lessons without too much protest. You quit swimming lessons though you enjoy going to the pool now and then. Like I said, you are such a lucky girl. But I am luckier than you and feel blessed being a mother to you! Happy 12th Brithday, Chellam!

Love,
அம்மா.

How do I solve a problem like Ashu?

Every year Ashu does something really special and touching for my birthday and I tell myself that I should remember that moment of overwhelming love whenever I am upset or angry with her. But that never happens. 364 out of 365 days, I am impatient, angry, upset, mad, disappointed, etc...etc.. about one thing or the other. Things have been so bad with Ashu these last two years that I even told her 2 days earlier that I don't want her to do or give anything for my birthday and theres no point doing all these fake gestures when she has no respect for me and does nt listen to me and I even doubt if she likes me! (I am a harsh women. There, I said it!) I also warned the husband to make sure she does nt do anything for me. Yes, I spoke in anger but I somewhat meant it too. 

But since she does nt listen to anything I say anyway, as expected she shut herself in the kitchen and was doing something secretly during the weekend. I suspected she was baking a cake because Hd used to sneak out and come and ask me very quietly "what is the difference between baking soda and baking powder", "How many grams in 1 cup of butter", etc.. etc...!! Nambalaukku dhaan vandhadhum sari illai, vaachadhum sari illai!

So this morning dawned and Ashu was already in the kitchen and finally at 7.30 am a cake appeared on the table with fancy looking toast and I thanked them and then the kids went off to school and Hd to work. A friend took me out for breakfast and I had fun and came back in time to make a simple pasta lunch for the kids who come for lunch from school at 12 and go back again at 13.30. I told the kids I am not eating lunch since I had two breakfasts this morning and was going through the umpteen whatsapp groups to see who remembered and who forgot my birthday! (I am also a shallow woman!)

Ashu finished her lunch quickly and shut herself in the kitchen again and I was really curious on what she was doing now! She would nt even allow her sister inside when I sent Antu to spy on her. Uff! Finally 45 minutes later, she set the finished product on the dining table, said bye to me and ran off to school. I took one look and my jaw dropped! 

I hope this overwhelming feeling of love lasts more than 24 hours.

27.06.2016

Dearest Antu,

My 8 year old baby! Now I get why in almost every family, theres always an aunt whose nickname is Baby whatever old she is! The youngest in the household never gets old. Its a blessing and a curse. Ask me! But however annoying it is for you to be called a baby by everyone in this household, I will never stop doing it. So be warned. Whether you like it or not, you are special. Sometimes you complain that you are the odd one out in the family. "Why am I the only one who is left-handed, Amma?" "Why am I the only one who does nt wear glasses?" One day, I even found a note under your pillow begging Ganesha to make you wear glasses, being the drama queen that you are. This year, daddys girls kind of sort of leaned towards her mother and it felt like a sweet victory to me though it breaks your fathers heart. Well, no one can certainly take you for granted, thats sure. You sure keep us working. 

You are learning Piano this year and you love it. You love to dress up, sing, dance and read. And you are extremely imaginative when you are playing. You have a very nice singing voice and since I could nt find any suitable vocal music class for you, I signed you up for the local Choir group for kids and you had loads of fun this year with that group. Your school teacher also told me what a good singer you are and that you pick up lyrics very easily. Since your ballet school danced for some Mary Poppins song last year during the recital, you have listened to that soundtrack a hundred times and have memorized all the songs. You get deep into everything. You can’t just skim through books, movies, music, friendships,… You get into the bottom of it. You have a dozen follow up questions. You discuss it. You explain it. My god, its exhausting to just listen to you every day. I love it but its exhausting.

If theres one thing I will remember about you this year, it would be your laughter. You find everything funny. Every joke is hilarious. And your laughter is infectious. Your friends mean a lot to you and you tell me everything about them. “Don’t tell anyone, Amma but I have decided R is my BFF not A.” “I have a had a bad day today, Amma. R said she won’t play with me.” “Why are boys so mean, Amma? I hate them!”  “I like D and N though. Those two boys are ok”. And A who lives downstairs and her little sister are your constant playmates. You pretty much spend almost every evening in their house. As usual, Ashu means the world to you and even with all the fights, you can’t live without her. The one week she was in a school trip, you were miserable. You will do anything for your sister and Im amazed how strong your feeling are for her at such an early age. Tread softly, my dear.

The other day, I was in the middle of cooking dinner and you came to tell me something and I shooed you away. “But its very important, Amma”, you said. I panicked, switched off the music, switched off the stove, washed my hands and came and sat at the dining table and asked you to tell me what it was. “I have swimming class tomorrow at school and my teacher asked me to tie my hair for the swim class. Otherwise my hair comes to the front of my eyes. So tomorrow morning, you should tie my hair, ok? Don’t forget!” I just gave you a look and was about to yell at you. But the way you kept such a serious face and how sincerely you told me this information brought a smile to my face. Every little thing is extremely important to you. Whether its your stuffed toys feelings(!), or a slug on the walking path, they are equally important to you. Love you, baby.  Never change. Happy 8th Birthday!

Love,

அம்மா.

27.04.2016

Dearest Ashu,

My very special 11 year old girl! What do I say? You are almost as tall as me and wear my shoes. You are so independent that I wonder why you need me at all. You are so cheeky and so full of attitude that this is the first time I ask myself, she is only 11? I can tell you lots of things now and sometimes even ask you for relationship advice! This one time, I was ranting about someone and wondering how to deal with them and you interrupted me and told me, "Amma, you are not their parent. Its not your job to teach them a lesson or give them consequences". I was shocked. And only yesterday when I was upset with your dad for coming home so late from office, you said "I know you are mad at him now, Amma. But don't be mad at him tomorrow, ok?" Sigh. How did you get so mature, Ashu? Certainly not from me! 

Of course that does nt mean there are no meltdowns, fights or arguments! Life would be so boring then, would nt it? The bone of contention has been the iPhone, of course! For a year, every other month you would begin a conversation with "All my friends have one..." and I would counter that with the age old, "If all your friends jumped off a bridge..." and the end result would be you shutting yourself inside your room and me trying to find my iPhone to google - why iPhones are evil! I get it, Ashu. I get it. Dealing with peer pressure is not easy for kids. For one, you are the only Indian kid (other than your sister!) in the school. You don't speak like them, you don't look like them and you don't eat like them. And when your mother would nt even let you have a bloody phone like them, it does hurt. Especially when your father can be swayed either way, Mom comes across as pure evil. I have sat with you and explained. I have yelled and screamed. I have asked you to read about the dangers of it. I have given you the classic, "Because I can". Sorry Kid. I hope you understand one day.

You and your sister! Where do I begin? Im wondering which will come first - you ending up killing each other or you together killing me! Argh! The fighting! The curse of the sisters is up on me and I cannot wait for this phase to end. If its a phase, that is. "She took my book. She ate my cookie. I was sitting here first. She is looking at me. She is breathing." Why do you do it, Ashu? Little Sisters are annoying, I get that. But why are Big Sisters so bossy? Please be kind to your sister. She adores you and would do anything for you. You only have to ask. Nicely. That said, you both get along fabulously well when I am not in the picture. So I guess the problem is me! As always. You have a select few friends you are close to and of course your grand parents and uncle and aunt are the most special people in the world. Thatha and Paati were here for 3 months last year and you just blossomed when they were here. You were the happiest when a friend left her little dog with us for three days and we took care of him. I guess you are waiting for the phone in hand first before going on a food strike to get a dog!

You have become even more quieter than usual these days. All you need is a book. You started writing a list this year and proudly announced that you have finished 100 books even before January ended. Even though I swore I would never be that kind of a mother, I have been telling you to cut down on reading and to get out and talk to people. Please find a balance, Kiddo. You are interested in many, many things and I wish we had the time and the energy to do all the things that you want to do. You went for a few sewing lessons and you love it. You took to snowboarding this year like a pro. You spend hours on rainbow loom to create amazing things. You came up with such a clever treasure hunt for my birthday this year that I was blown away. You don't do hugs and kisses that well but you touch our souls by being thoughtful and kind. Happy 11th Birthday, Kannamma. Always be true to yourself. 

Love,

அம்மா.

27.06.2015

 Dear Antu,

Where do I begin? Words fail me. When I think about you, I usually roll my eyes or sigh heavily or smile to myself or laugh out loud and feel the heaviness in my heart from the overflowing love. You can get away with anything in this household and you know it. Sometimes I want to take Ashu aside and tell her "Watch and learn. This is how you get what you want." But square peg, round hole and all that, I guess! Thank you Antu for being you and teaching me one or two things about getting your way but still making the people around you happy. Its a talent I sorely lack. 

You adore your sister and can't live without her. Even though Ashu is at a stage where she wants nothing to do with you, you follow her around like a puppy. And its hard to ignore such devotion. You have a wonderful group of friends and you like everyone. Even for this years birthday party, you wanted to invite a big group because everyone is your best friend! You are a very confident child and usually do not care much about what other people think about you. You are extremely helpful and eager to please. The other day, the old lady who lives downstairs came up to give some chocolates to you because you always hold the door for her and help her. I was truly amazed. You literally can't even hurt a fly. We have to chase the bugs out of the window, not kill them. This one time, your father made the grave mistake of killing a spider and you cried buckets. And now you have a pet snail living in our balcony and I don't if it is payback for your dad but I can't even eat a damn salad these days without thinking about the poor snail! Please let him go.

You are crazy about books, music and puzzles. The centre table in our living room has been completely taken over by you for your puzzles and we have learnt to balance our tea cups around them! This one time, I even used a few pieces as a coaster but you were very disapproving! Every thing has to be just-so for you. You have a great dress sense and very coordinated. You are particular about hair styles and even socks. You change outfits so many times a day much to my annoyance. You are currently so obsessed with everything "Frozen" that its driving me crazy. You are having a Frozen themed party tomorrow and when I mentioned that its summer and we should have a summer party, you would nt listen. Of course as luck would have it, your aunt decides to surprise you by visiting and showed up today with a suitcase full of everything Elsa, Anna and Olaf and you are in a Frozen heaven now. Let it go has become my mantra these days. I wish I had my own castle to run away too!

You are so generous with your hugs and kisses and I love yous. I hope you never ever change and I even made you pinky swear that you will give me a hug whenever I want. You loved our recent trip to Majorca and I think I should prepare myself for the inevitable beach bum you are going to to turn out to be. But you want to be a cow girl and ride horses when you grow up! Guess  a career in giving horse rides for kids in Besant Nagar beach is your calling. Go for it, I say. As always, I become very emotional around your birthday but this time you strictly told me that you can't be a baby forever and you need to grow up and I should stop whining about it. Sigh. Happy 7th Birthday, Kannamma! Keep smiling. 

Love, 

அம்மா.

27.04.2015

Dearest Ashu,

10. A decade. Double digit. Wow! Did nt I just sit down and write your 9th birthday post like a month ago? You have grown so much taller in this one year that its not funny. You have gone like three shoe sizes up and two clothes sizes up in this year. I think you will very soon catch up to my shoe size and your Aunts height! Whats the hurry, I ask? But you are so proud of that fact and can't wait to literally fill my shoes! We both have had a roller coaster of a year with you getting sensitive and grumpy about everything and me being angry and impatient. At one point, it felt that we could nt have a normal conversation at all. Every time you spoke, I thought you were being ungrateful and every time I opened my mouth, you thought I was lecturing you. Thank God for Hd and his sane advice, I learnt to take a step back and let it be. Also reading about pre teens and how they are forgetful, are affected by mood swings, etc... made me realize that I am not alone. But I did want to scream "Who is this temperemental young lady and what did she do with my sweet little daughter?"

You should be the poster girl for Miss. Congeniality. Especially with an indecisive mom like me, I am surprised you are so flexible and that you go with the flow. Eating out or not, watching a movie or not, going to the park or not,... most of the time you just don't care. This is even more noticable since your sister throws a tantrum a minute if things don't go according to her plan. It used to surprise me (until Antu came along!) when some of my friends say "my child did nt want to" for even simple things like going to the pool or meeting friends in a park. The only time I realize you might not be interested in something is when you say "If you want me to, Amma!" Where do kids learn to have such complete faith in ones parents? Don't they know we are just winging it? Every time you say "I like you, Amma" to me, my honest response is "But why?"

Except for the big bang family reunion trip to Srilanka in December, we did nt travel much this year. What with Appa's job change and house move, it has been a stressful year with lots of uncertainties. And not being able to visit India has kind of affected you and me both. Just like India trips are like charging batteries for me, they help you to completely be yourself, explore your relationship to the land and the people and generally unwind. You are not old enough to vocalize those feelings but I can see it from the way you talk to your grand parents. And also whenever you are upset with me and say "Thatha has said that its my house, Amma. I will go to India and live there!" I can be very mean and say stuff like "Yeah right! You will come back crying to me in two days!" But what I would nt give to run away with you? Keep the love for your country wherever you are, Ashu. Even if you don't have a house there anymore.

Finally you have reached the age where school has become synonymous with friends! Phew. I think back to my school days and you are not even close to what wild things I was up to nor do I want you to! But the constant "can I go to A's house? Can L come to our house?" and closing the door while talking to friends on the phone! Sigh! Guess the dreaded years of "friends are so cool" and "parents suck" is here! Your BFF is A, who also happens to be my BFF's daughter and you both call yourselves Twinnies and behave like one soul in two bodies. Now that Antu is also old enough to match every step and play with you both, you both have generously let her inside your circle and its heart warming to see that. Like I have told you a million times already, the way you treat your family in front of your friends is the way they will treat them, Ashu. Always remember that and keep telling your friends what a great mom I am! :)

We had a birthday party for you yesterday with a few family friends and as usual I was panicking over my birthday cake frosting disaster in the morning and I was cursing myself to have been so stupid! You hugged me and told me "You are not stupid, Amma. You are very clever!" I would nt have made this stupid mistake if I was clever, Ashu, I replied in one of my rare self pity mood. "You are clever, Amma. Because you always find a way to correct the mistake", was your reply. I was so moved by your reply and felt so guilty of all the times I did not give you the same reply. "How could you?" "It was your fault!" "How could you forget? "What did I ask you to do?" "You just dont care, Ashu!" - these are the nasty things I have been telling you. I am so sorry, Ashu. Thank you for growing up to be such a wonderful young lady. I wish you a fantastic year ahead. Rock the 10s! 

Love,

அம்மா.

37.

It was my "Happy Birthday" last week. Why does 37 seems so much older than 36? Antu gets a kick out of telling "When I am zero, you were 30 Amma and when I was one you were 31, when I am two you were 32,... ". She can't wait to turn 7 so that our ages are in sync once more.  Little joys of life! I told Hd to stop buying gifts for the sake of buying and get me a bicycle instead and he obliged. I realized I have never had a brand new cycle. I always got my sisters bike while growing up. And once I got my Kinetic Honda in college, there were no more bicycles. We bought an used rickety cycle here in Swiss a few years back which we sold when it looked like we were moving to the US! Between breaking my leg 2 years back and Antu being quite small, we four never cycled together as a family. Hd and Ashu used to go once in a while and Ashu enjoyed biking a lot. Then last year Antu took to cycling quite a bit too and this year seemed perfect for the four of us to go biking as a family and the new mountain bike could nt have come at a better time. We set out with our bikes on Saturday. Spring is almost here and it was a beautiful day. While Ashu and I rode like the wind, the two slow pokes lagged much behind. We managed about 10 Kms and loved it. The last 500 metres to home is totally uphill and I almost died. I found a better bike trail without much uphill and tried it out the next day and loved it. Thanks to Hd for the great gift.

Ashu made me a beautiful bead necklace with bottle caps as lockets and her photo and mine in each of the bottle caps and I almost cried when she showed me and wore it proudly the whole day showing it off to everyone. Antu made me a necklace too and showered me with hugs and kisses the whole day. She even refused to go to her BFFs house for a playdate and stayed home with me. Hd took me out for a fancy dinner and we had a great time. A very good friend had a birthday breakfast for me with a few friends at her house and I felt like a school kid going to school on her birthday wearing "colour dress"! It was a great day. Antu was very curious about our "in sync" age and asked, "How old will you be when I am 50, Amma?"  "I will be 80", I said. "And when I am 80?" "She will be dead, Antu", answered Ashu quickly! That kid will do anything to get out of a math question, I tell you.

27.06.2014

Dear Antu,

My heart weighs a tonne as I write this and its not only because I have to start buying train and bus tickets, swimming pool and other miscellanious entry tickets now that you are six and they are not free anymore! Well that too! But mainly because you are SIX! The first thing you did today after waking up was to go and stand against the height chart and see how much taller you have got now that you are six! :) You have had the most exciting year but then being Antu is always exciting! You are always singing or dancing or living in your fancy pretend world! We are all mere servants who exist to fulfill your every little wish! A simple "no" from me will make you cry buckets and declare "You don't even like me!" and stomp off! Your dad though is a big fan of your extreme drama and laughs at the most inopportune moment making you even more mad! Will the man ever learn, you think?

First year of Kindergarten is almost done and you are in love with your school, your teacher and friends. You walk to school and back on your own and so very responsible with your things. You notice everything thats happening around you and come home and tell me everything! You have started reading a lot and progressed to chapter books now and its heartening to see you follow your sister in this regard. I found you reading while walking to the car the other day and I had to ask you to stop doing that but not without a secret smile in my face! :) Its so sweet to hear you talk in German to your friends and please forgive me for taking secret videos of you doing that! Almost every video begins with you asking me "Are you taking a video?" and me lying "Of course not!" I know. I am awful like that!

You have a birthday party tomorrow at home with a few friends from school and you have planned every last detail! Your excitement is infectious and even Ashu, who could nt care two hoots about her own party, is planning stuff for you! But then having seen how awesome you were to Ashu on her birthday and the multiple birthday parties she had this year, its not surprising. Got to give it you for being so fair! You make everyone around you feel special and make sure everyone treats you special too! You even demand it! Which is something I can learn from you! At heart, you are a total daddy's girl but include me once in a while so that I don't feel hurt. Its the same with the Thathas, Perippa and Maama too! You have figured out that men are lot less complicated and most of all, they don't tell you what to do which is all you ever want!

You have a beautiful singing voice and know all the "Frozen" songs by heart and keep singing all the time. You love puzzles and origami and playing dolls. You love to dress up. You are cycling and roller blading already and go to swimming and ballet classes. You have said you want to learn the Piano and not Violin! You are Miss.Chatter box! Whenever we talk about moving out of Switzerland, you say "no way" and are almost in tears. Its touching how connected you feel to this place and the people. After all, this is the only home you have ever had. Today your aunt called and I was faking to cry on the phone and you were quick to tell your Perimma "Amma is crying because I am not a baby anymore!" Well you will always be my baby and no number can change that ever, got it? I love you loads my little baby and have a great birthday!

Love,

அம்மா.

27.04.2014

Dear Ashu,

 You do not like too much attention to yourself and I don't know what you will make of all these birthday posts I write every year. May be these letters are just for me even though they are addressed to you. I look at the photos and letters from previous years and my eyes brim over with tears. How time flies and how fast a child grows! Sigh! This year has surely gone by in a hurry. You have always been very matured for your age and as years go by, the changes in you shock me more and more. "Are you Happy, Ashu?" is the question I ask you a lot these days because you seem to be in a "Why am I here?" mode most of the time. You have such simple needs and I learn a lot from you every day. I want to be you when I grow up! :) 

You are the queen of moderation. You like to dress up but you don't care about it too much. You like to eat sweets and watch tv but can also go days without asking for these. You have friends but not many. You talk to people but not too much. Of course, when it comes to reading, its a different story all together. The other day I was cleaning your room and was putting away some stuff to give away and was asking you and Antu what you need and what you don't. You said, "You can give anything away, Amma. Except my books!" You have high expectations for yourself and when you think you have nt met them, you get extremely upset. I make the situation worse by commenting on it which in turn makes you turn nasty to me which makes me lose my temper and the cycle goes on! I wish I were calm and collected and all zen because you deserve a mother like that. Better luck next time, kiddo!

As always, you are doing fine in school, making new friends and keeping in touch with old friends. When your best friend G dropped in on a surprise visit two weeks back to see you, you were so happy! Even though it has been a year since she left the country, you both started giggling as soon as you met and closed the door on us and talked for hours! Which is saying a lot for a child like you. Its heart warming to see you in that mode, Ashu and I wish you have many, many more people like these in your life. This year, we are in the US and you are celebrating your birthday with your uncle and aunt. Its so special for you. Also a bit sad that this is the first birthday you are away from your father and both of you are missing each other a lot. But my very dear cousin and his wife came to visit and theres a big party waiting for you in a few hours so I hope that makes up for it. Try to enjoy all the attention, please!

Antu and you! Sigh! Where do I begin? Lets just 

say planets were nt aligned well for sisters this year and leave it at that. Im gritting my teeth and telling myself that its a phase and you both will grow out of it and I hope it happens really soon for my own sake! I have been saying the exact same dialogues to you girls which my mom used to say to us and I don't even have to rehearse the lines. They automatically pop out of my mouth when the need arises. One would think that two kids who share their mom and dad with each other would have no problem sharing a lousy pencil or a piece of paper between them but NO! Apparently its too much to ask! I hope nine is the magic number and you become the doting sister you were once again. That said, you are very protective of her and ever since we lost Antu in Disneyland for half a minute three years back, you watch her like a hawk every time we are in crowded places. You know every little thing about her. Which is sometimes good and at time, very BAD!

India, Austria, Morocco, USA trips happened this year and you are a happy traveller. We visited Universal studios and Sea World the last couple of days with two sets of uncles and aunts and you had a blast! When almost every child was walking around with souvenirs and stuffed toys, I was the mean mom who would nt buy anything for you two. At the end of the trip, when I relented and let you girls choose one thing, Antu chose the little girl with a unicorn and you wanted all the three girls from the Despicable Me movie. When I said one, you said that the three girls are together and you can't choose just one and you were ok not buying them rather than buying just one. Even though its just a silly movie, it makes me proud that you care about people. I am little proud of myself that I did nt give into the marketing scam! Happy 9th Birthday my little big Girl! Its double digits from next year and I hope to cherish this special year as much as I can and hold on to this nine year old you for ever!

Love,

அம்மா.

27.06.2012

Dear Antu,

I seem to go through completely opposite emotions when it comes to you and your sister's birthdays. In your case, ever since your 3rd birthday you have been asking when will your 4th birthday come and if you can have your party at "Planeta Magic!" So by the time you got your wish, it feels like a long time has passed and Im left wondering why you are still tiny and why you have nt left for college yet! :) And Im sure when that day comes, you will walk away without a backward glance leaving a sobbing mess of a mom! You are truly a heart breaker! With your lovely curls and your naughty smile, you can get away with anything. Your only problem is me! A mom who is always one step ahead of you, a mom who knows your next move before you can make it, a mom who was exactly like you when she was a kid and remembers everything - there lies your problem. I will try to ignore my instincts as much as possible and turn a blind eye whenever I can ok? I promise.

We call you a little Diva at home and you do act like one. Either its changing clothes a dozen times a day or playing dress up or color coordinating your outfit with your shoes and hair bands, they way you eat wiping your mouth with a napkin after every bite, demanding attention wherever you go,... uff! You are high maintenance! The whole family got a hair cut this week and it was your first. You sat on the high chair and acted as if you are used to it. The hair dresser was all ooh and aah about your hair and refused to cut it really short like I asked her to because "lovely curls! no cut!" When she finished and put a small clip on your hair, the entire salon went awwwww..... at you! God! I never thought I ll ever get all teary eyed in a hair cutting salon of all places!! 

You went to two schools this year, an English pre school for two days and a German play group for two days and followed me everywhere on Fridays! While you talk non stop in English, I have nt heard anything other than "Nein" from you in German. Although you seem to understand everything your German teacher says, I have nt seen you talk to her either. Hope you pick up the language more this year since you will be going to a new bilingual school soon. The lesser we talk about your Tamil, the better. While Ashu got into English after quite a strong Tamil foundation, you did nt. You and Ashu talk to each other in English all the time much to my irritation and I am determined to change it this year, so help me God! You have lots of friends and very clear in who is your friend and who is not. You are nt diplomatic at all and if you dont like something or someone, you say it as it is. Making you do something is quite impossible if you are not in the mood for it. But you are all charm when you want to be. 

You have been saying "Only when Im four!" for many things like skiing classes, Ballet classes, cycling, big school, swimming, writing, etc... etc... Now that the day is here, you go girl! Go do everything you want to do and enjoy this year! I will be right beside you driving you everywhere! :) I love you my little princess and cant imagine my life without all the drama you add to it. It would be utterly boring without you twirling in your pink tutu, without you calling me "Ammi" in your own special, sweet way and without an out and out daddys girl. May you live long and keep spreading the sunshine like you always do. Happy Birthday darling!

Love,

அம்மா. 

27.04.2012

Dear Ashu,

Seven has been my favorite number ever since I can remember. I don't know why. I have no special sentiment about it but whenever the topic of favorite number comes up, I realize I have a special place for that number. When you were a baby, seven year olds looked like giants to me. But how can YOU be seven today? You are still so little and so cute! Well, I am a "little" biased, I guess! :) Like every year, you have been so excited about your birthday. Its heart warming to see that for you, its not about the party or the gifts. Just the fact that you are turning one year older! What I would nt give to become zen like you! I would never ever forget the way you stood next to me for more than 15 minutes waiting to see if I can put the skis on by myself after I had the fall. You could have just zoomed past. But no, that's not you. And when I told you to ski ahead and call Appa for help and to stay with Antu until we reached that place, you were gone in a blink. That meant a lot to me, kiddo! More because visualizing Antu in your place, I'm sure I would have had to drag my butt in the snow to catch her from running away in the opposite direction! I owe you big.

Talking about your sister, I apologize from the bottom of my heart for having unleashed her on you.You deserved better. Like your own twin or something! Not this pint sized super brat who's current mission in life is to make your life hell. I can only promise you that it will get better and you ll learn to ignore her!  But you have to agree that she is very cute when she wants to be. Like when she needs your help or when she wants something that you have or when she comes crying to you after getting yelled at by me! As always, you are being a fabulous older sister and looking out for her always. Hope you never stop doing that. Yesterday you lost your third tooth and when I suggested we pretend that tooth fairies are real for Antus sake, you got all excited and winked at me and whispered to me to leave a gift that you both can share! And in the morning when you saw an Amar Chitra Katha book under your pillow, you kept it back there and waited for Antu to wake up and made her open the gift. That was really sweet of you.

Usually one US trip and one India trip happen between your birthdays but this year, there has been an additional India trip as well. Talk about getting pampered. I am sure R's wedding will be fondly remembered by you for many years to come. Just like sis and I still talk about our uncle's (R's dad) wedding. While I was thinking that being in India would make you more outgoing, you completely clammed up and refused to even say hello to all the relatives. Theres no figuring you out. The more I nagged you to talk, the more you went into your shell. I hope someday you will explain all this to me. All said and done, I want you to be yourself. If you want to be that "mysterious woman" when you grow up, so be it. I ll learn to make peace with that. I just hope Antu invites me to the parties she throws! :) You have blossomed in school though. Unfortunately, you will not be continuing in this school for 2nd grade. It breaks my heart to leave this school after five long years but you are every excited about the upcoming change. God knows how you can have no fear for the unknown. But then as a kid, almost everything is new so that's alright, I guess.

You enjoy playing the violin and try to write your own music. You write and illustrate books. You sing and dance. You can almost read Tamil and with a little more practice, can write too. All thanks to your grand mother! You have lots of special friends but not one who is a little extra special to you. You love to draw, paint, cut, color and make things. Once you begged me to let you use the ipad on a non-screen time day so that you can search for "simple crafts" in youtube and make a penguin out of a toilet paper roll! Thank God you don't know to clear history yet! You read a lot. Until recently there was not one book in this house which I had nt read to you. We used to read, listen, laugh, think and discuss together. Now you are reading sitting in one corner and giggling to yourself and I feel so neglected and useless. And I don't know whats happening in that part of your world. From this cool mom who was reading to you hundreds of books, I have become the annoying mom who is asking you not to read while in the car, while eating and sometimes while waiting for the elevator. Seriously? 

I do think I have become more patient with you this year but I also make the mistake of expecting a lot from you. Sometimes, I forget you are a little girl and expect you to act responsibly all the time. Who asked you to be so smart and mature? The other day we were talking about extreme sports and you asked me why people risk lives like that. I told you that its their choice and that anything can happen to anyone at anytime and who is to say driving the car or going by a plane is any less risky? And pat came your reply, "But I NEED to go to school by car, Amma. I NEED to go by plane to US to see Perimma and Perippa. But people don't need to bungee jump or sky dive, right?" *gulp* And I thought I was the lawyer in the family! I wish you were nt so logical all the time and do some silly stuff now and then. I said silly not stupid, OK? :) Love you million, billion, zillion darling! Happy Birthday!


Love,
அம்மா.