Needs me, needs me not!

9.00 pm
---------
Wonders of wonders! Ashu went to sleep on her own today. I dont know if this is just a one day wonder or if it will continue. All these months, I always rocked Ashu to sleep. First on my shoulder and later on my lap. First loud "JO, JO, JO", then a loud lullaby. Later a quiet humming and now she does nt need me! My baby girl is nt a baby anymore, I guess. :(

12.00 midnight
---------------
Ashu woke up and then I fed her, burped her, changed her and rocked her to sleep! My baby needs me still :)

Playing GOD is nt as easy I thought it would be.

I have never been very religious. All my life I ve done what has been asked of me by my parents when it comes to religion. If there’s a word to describe a cross between an agnostic and a theist, that’s me! I never had the courage to say I am an atheist as I had lots of exams to clear and was too chicken not to trust God. Especially taking a major you did nt want to in your undergrad and then doing masters in the same field and then hoping to pass all these exams requires trust in God. It cannot be achieved otherwise. So I was like this until I graduated. I got married soon afterwards and blindly followed all the religious customs and traditions. Once out of India I had some choice for the first time in my life and I chose not to follow any traditions plainly of out my laziness. Then after a while I started missing home and all the stuff and started doing Poojas during festivals and mainly cooking all the goodies we used to make at home.

Now I am a mother and I have been experiencing a new revelation. Every time I do something for Ashu, I can’t help but relate it to God. It seems like every question I had about the existence of God and his ways if he does exist is being answered. So many debates I used to have with my mom and bombard her with questions and argue so fiercely that she will end up crying and telling me that I ll understand one day. I think that day is here and now.

Here are some instances.

--> When Ashu cries, I don’t know why she is crying and what to do to console her and I try many ways to soothe her

--> When Ashu cries, I don’t pick her up instantly. I wait to see if she will quiet down on her own.

--> If I am busy doing something, it takes a while for me to go to her. Yes, I can stop what I am doing and go to her immediately, but I don’t!

--> I know she will happy if I carry her all the time, but I don’t!

--> I know she will be quiet if I give her the pacifier, but I give it to her only when it will be convenient for ME.

--> She is the most important thing in my life but I want some time alone too.

--> She does nt know that it’s for her own good when she’s being vaccinated. She knows only the pain.

--> I desperately want her to be perfect among friends and family and gain a good name.

--> I want to be her best friend.

--> I love her unconditionally.

Hence the title!

High Five!

Ashu completed 5 months yesterday. (Sorry Ashu. I was in a complaining mood yesterday in my blog.) She sat without support for the first time and made us go crazy for a while. I propped her in a sitting position with her hands in front for support and she shocked me by sitting in that position exactly for 10 seconds before falling on her side and crying. She looked so cute sitting by herself and looking at us with a shocked expression on her new feat while we were clicking photos like maniacs. Last month, she rolled over and now this. I wonder what shes going to do next month when she completes half a year. It would be great if she starts wiping her own butt!

Google Logos.

This month Google celebrates it's 7th birthday. I know this because it says so in the logo. I have always noticed the logo going through cute changes on special occasions but only today it occured to me to see who was behind these good ideas. Dennis Hwang. What a cool job, I say!

Here are some of the logos I really loved:

On World Water Day- On Van Gogh's Birthday- On Valentines Day- During the Olympics in Athens- On Einsteins Birthday- Leap Year- Holi- On Hitchcock's Birthday- Check out www.logoogle.com if you want more.

Mother knows breast.

Why do we become public property just because we have a baby? Why does Tom, Dick, Harry, their uncle, dad and second cousin tell me how to or rather how NOT to bring my child up? WHY IN THE HELL WONT PEOPLE JUST MIND THEIR BUSINESS? (Deep breaths! in, out, in out!) Why cant they just say "the baby is sho shweet" and just shut up? That’s what I do. And then go home and say whatever they want to their spouse? That’s what I do.

This has been going on from the moment Ashu was born. Actually even before that but it's getting intolerable since the past 2 months. To be precise, ever since we started sending videos of Ashu to India. My dad who has nt seen Ashu yet saw the video and commented that we are "torturing" Ashu. WHY? Because she was in our arms and not lying down. Because I was wiping her drool with "excessive" force. Because she was crying. Because I was making her laugh by shaking my head vigorously. Yeah, right! How dare I make MY baby laugh by shaking MY head? Have you heard anything more horrific? How cruel of me for wanting my baby to laugh? How could I do such a thing? How, how, how?

And not to mention advice about breast-feeding. Men can talk about breasts but not breast-feeding is my humble opinion. If you think otherwise, get a breast implant, get pregnant, push the baby out(without Epidural), get a third degree tear, breast-feed and then come and see me. I will tell you where you are going wrong.

Paris,Photography,Yoga, etc...

Sis and BIL left for Paris today early morning and will be back on Thursday. The flat looks empty and very, very quiet. (You can hear my sis before you even see her!!) Ashu is looking and wondering where the nice people who always carried her went. Today it's back to being strapped in the car seat while Amma is cooking. Poor thing.

Sis & BIL have a digital SLR and we have a baby. So it’s not hard to imagine what happened. Some 200 photos in 2 days and then some more of the city and the Swans (and their behinds!) on the Rhine. How did we survive before digital cameras, I wonder? What do we NOT do if we don’t ve to pay for it? (My mom HAS to use the toilet if she sees one but she won’t if it’s a pay toilet!!)

I am always happy when Ashu does new things. But even I was not ready for something like this. This weekend we realised Ashu does Yoga to maintain her figure. (No wonder she was not putting on enough weight earlier!) Check out the photographic proof here.

All in the family.

Ashu and my sis are thick as thieves already and it is nt even 24 hours yet! My sister has always been a Tomcat and seeing her with Ashu is a different experience altogether. I bet she thinks the same about me as I ve never known I had a maternal side in me. One thing which really freaked me out(in a nice way!) was how my sis baby-talks to Ashu in almost the same manner I do and singing the same old rhymes and songs to her. Guess we are nt a family for nothing!

Crazy Cravings!

Today I started to organize my files in the laptop. I say started to because I ended up reading my pregnancy journal and other stuff I had written earlier all through the day and did nt do one bit of organizing. I came across a doc where I had written my cravings just before visiting India in January for my Valaikaapu-Srimandham function. (Bangle ceremony done during the pregnancy.) I have no remembrance of any real craving and I think this is a list I would ve made even if I was nt pregnant. Anyway, here's the strange list.

Vellari pinju

adai (the one mom makes)
bhel puri (the one mom makes)

manathakkaali vetha kuzhambu, sutta arisi appalaam
javvarisi karudaam

ribbon thengozhal
thattai seedai

ps. I am sorry but I am not able to find equivalent terms for these South Indian specialities except that "Vellari pinju" is baby cucumber.

Homesick :-(

Less than 48 hours and my sister will be here. I am all excited! I have missed her terribly since Ashu came into our lives. My sister who has shared every important part of my life with me was nt there to see Ashu when she arrived. And then for 5 months. She will be here only for 5 days and then I don’t know when we will meet again. The longest we went without seeing each other was 14 months. I hope we never break that record ever again.

Months since I saw my mom: 2
Months since I saw my dad, sis & In-laws: 7
Months since I saw my BIL: 14
Months since I saw my best friend: 14
Months since I had a quiet day: 5 (Oops! That kind of slipped in!)

Labour - comes from the Latin word laborare, which means "to be tired".

If I don’t write about my labour story now, I will never do it. So let me go ahead and write it now when I have no shame whatsoever talking about breasts, cervix, vagina, etc...! So here it goes...

After going through a pretty cool pregnancy I am waiting with excitement for my due date which is 4 days away. My mom and I go for a walk and some shopping. She tells me that it might even take a week or 10 days for the baby to come as I am not showing any signs and I am really disappointed hearing that. (My mom swore she said nothing like that after I had the baby the very same night!) Around 7 pm, I have some bloody discharge. So I call HD and ask him to hurry home. The very brief phone conversation we ve ever had, goes something like this:
Me: I am bleeding!
HD: Really?
Me: What do you mean really?
HD: I am on my way.
So he comes home in 10 minutes and we try to figure out what to do. I still might be days away from having the baby. So I call my sister and then my experienced friend and then again my doctor friend and all of them tell me "GO TO THE HOSPITAL". In the mean time, I am getting back aches from nowhere and it is mild in the beginning. My mom insists I eat something. I call up the hospital and they tell me to wait for the contractions to start. But by 10 pm, my back ache is bad and I call up my sister and friends and they tell me again, "GO TO THE HOSPITAL"! So I call up the hospital and tell them I am coming. HD and I take a cab to the hospital which is 10 minutes away while my mom stays at home. I tell her that I ll be back in a while as one of my friends was nt admitted until she was well into the labour. I leave my "already packed and ready to go" suitcase and just take a backpack with some essential things.

It is 11 pm when we go to the hospital and a nurse examines me and tells that I am already 3 cms dilated (the cervix has opened 3 cms wide) and asks me if I want to go home or stay at the hospital. I don’t know why I decided to stay because usually I hate hospitals and run at the first chance I get. So I stay. HD is wondering what to do when the nurse shows us our room which has a spare bed for HD. Cool, I am thinking! It will be like staying in a hotel! I have mild contractions and I think I am strong, this is nothing; I can handle it. The nurse says it might even take 10 hours to be fully dilated. (10cms.)

But by 12.30 am, the pain is getting worse, the nurse has finished her shift and another nice lady takes in charge and I ask her for Epidural. She examines me and says it is too early for Epidural and she is not so nice to my eyes anymore. I am also hooked to the contraction monitor and that thing is supposed to record my contractions. I had always imagined it will be like one of those earthquake recording devices going crazy with the graph and showing only peaks. But this prints out graph in a boring fashion. HD and I discuss if the numbers on the top is the baby’s heartbeat!

Things are getting worse. I start cursing like I never did in my whole life. I try to breathe properly but I don’t care anymore. The anaesthetist is called to administer Epidural and I am looking forward to it. I ve never wanted anything so badly in my life. I scream with pain and I am also bleeding a lot due to all the internal examinations. The anaesthetist says I ve to hold still for a minute while he injects it in my spine but I am not able to. Who can hold still while they are going through excruciating pain? And by the way who lets men tell women in labour what to do? By this time, I am almost 8 cms dilated and they drop the Epidural idea and prepare for the delivery. I am shocked in my already shocked state. I threaten HD to get me epidural or I will kill myself. He shouts at the nurse but they say they can’t help it.

At 1.30 am, my water breaks and as it is green in colour; the doctor and the midwife are afraid the baby might be infected and ask the paediatrician to be present. I am too long gone to care. My bladder is full but I am not able to pee. I crawl to the toilet and sit there as long as possible but the midwife takes me back. I hit the stainless steel counter with my fist and my palm swells. I scream and move so much that the IV needle breaks and my left palm swells too. I call HD all sorts of names possible while he calmly asks me to breathe and says it will all be over soon and that I am doing good. I don’t care.

The next two hours are the most horrible hours of my life. I wish I could just die instead of going through this horror. Then I set my mind on pushing as pushing the baby out is the only way I am going to end all this torture. The baby’s head is visible and HD sees it. The midwife asks me if I want to touch the head and feel. I ask HD if I can pull her out! After some million pushes, biting HD's fingers to pulp and kicking the Doctor and the midwife simultaneously, the baby is out at 3.40 am! Did I bother to look? NO! Did I see tears in HD's eyes? YES! Is it a boy or a girl? GIRL!

HD cuts the cord and the paediatrician takes her away to examine while a new Doctor comes and stitches me up! I have a third degree tear and it is horrible! The doctor who delivered me says she has not seen anything like this! While I ask why they did nt do an Episiotomy, she says she did nt know it will be like this! I forgive her for the only reason that I peed on her face and she did nt mind!

HD calls family and friends. Everyone is surprised that it is a girl as each one of them had bet their last penny that it would be a boy. HD takes photos and the midwife takes a Polaroid picture of us. She says I have been really strong and she has not seen such a sweet and caring husband before! She says our baby girl is lucky to have parents like us. Even though she might say the same thing to every couple, we feel special! Then I am wheeled to my room where I would be for 5 more days with an icepack in my underwear and bleeding like hell.

The first thing I say to my baby girl is "Welcome to the family kiddo" with a wicked smile! Check out Ashu's first photo here.

Sex and the city.

Last night I was flipping through channels and there was "Sex and the City" in one of them. Usually I watch only CNN, BBC and Cartoon network from the 100+ channels we get. OK, before you think I am full of it, let me explain. Every other channel is French, German, Italian or Turkish! Every Hollywood movie is dubbed in one of these languages and all my favourite characters in my favourite sitcoms speak gibberish (to me). Now that the situation is clear, let me move on. So as usual I started to change the channel while all of a sudden I see breasts. Those are nt that uncommon in that show you must say but this time they were being put to use for the specific reason they were designed for. Yes, there was also a small baby involved and Miranda, one of the characters was breast feeding or rather trying to! The baby was nt latching on and she was talking to Carrie. Carrie had this shocked expression looking at the engorged breasts and Miranda was struggling to make the baby latch but the baby would nt. At last something I could relate to in a TV show and that too in "Sex and the city”! I watched it until the baby latched on and started to drink and Miranda had this "relieved" expression and I could totally connect. If only I could understand what they were talking too. I don't think I can ever see breasts again in the same light I used to anymore.

Needle thoughts.

Today Ashu was given BCG vaccination. This is the third time she is being needled in less than 5 months and my heart skips a beat every time she curls her mouth and cries with pain. This time HD could nt come with us as he was held in a meeting and it made me all the more depressed. Also, the paediatrician could nt do it the first time as Ashu was already crying and kicking. He had to do it again. And I had to hold her legs and hands and stop her from moving. What would ve gone through that little mind, I wonder? A stranger causing her pain while her Amma just looking and doing nothing. I am sure there will be lot of situations like this one all our lives where I will be causing her pain because I love her and she will hate me for that. It was not long ago when my mom said some things to me because she cared and I hated her for that. What goes around come around, I guess!

On the brighter side, Ashu has put on enough weight and it is a huge relief.

Taskbar!

Today I was checking my emails while Ashu was sitting on my lap. Once in few minutes I will show her the desktop wallpaper and she will squeal with delight looking at her photo. This one adores looking at herself, just like her Amma, I suppose! She’s on my lap and the laptop is on the table and I am surfing and all of a sudden she moves one of her teeny-weeny finger over the touch pad and moves the taskbar from the bottom of the screen to the right corner. So I try to bring it back with my one hand first. Failing, I try with both my hands and after a little struggle move it back to its original position. And here this infant managed to move it with just a flick of her finger. I wonder if she’s going to get a letter of admission from Hogwarts on her tenth birthday! And that’s when I knew one could actually lock the taskbar in its place! Motherhood sure makes you discover new things!

She is a Boy!

Today I realised I have been saying "SHE is a BOY" to every Swiss who cared enough to ask me if my baby is a boy or a girl! 6 weeks crash course in German at the Goethe institute and you would think that they will teach you the difference between a boy and a girl! A man and a woman, YES! But not a boy and a girl! The first time someone asked me "mädchen oder junge", I thought "Männer is men in German and Jung is young and Jungfrau is a young girl/virgin. Hence Junge should mean a girl and "mädchen a boy and answered "Junge"! And the second time, I was prepared and answered "Junge" without having to solve an equation in my mind and quite did nt understand the stare as my baby was dressed all in pink! And then recently while buying cough drops for Ashu, the nice girl at the desk asked me the same question and I did nt get her at first and then she asked me in English "Boy or a girl! And I go "Oh! Sie ist Junge" flaunting the little German I know saying "She is a boy"! How stupid can I get? In my defence, I quote Mark Twain,

"My philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German in thirty years. It seems manifest, then, that the latter tongue ought to be trimmed down and repaired. If it is to remain as it is, it ought to be gently and reverently set aside among the dead languages, for only the dead have time to learn it."

Meet the (God)Parents!

Next week, my sister and BIL are coming from the sunny California to this side of the Swiss to see Ashu for the first time. I am so excited that my palms are sweating while typing this. I want everything to go well and Ashu to be in her best behaviour and pass her "Perimma"(Aunt) test. Ashu is the first grandchild on every side of the family and there is a lot riding on her. My sis has seen more than her share of children what with living in CA for so many years and the competition is tough. I really don’t know how to prepare a 4 1/2 month old baby for the drill. Smile always, NEVER cry, speak when spoken to and sleep when you are not needed - will be few of the things I would want her to learn. If she learns to fold her own laundry and change her diaper on her way, I would nt mind that either. The least I would want of Ashu is NOT to cry when my sis picks her up. The reason being that the entire wardrobe of Ashu and her toys and other baby necessities for the past four months have been the courtesy of her "America Perimma" and I would nt want that to stop. (Compare the US price with Swiss and you will stoop that low, too! So don’t judge me!)

Anyway, I can’t wait for the most important girls in my life to meet. The rest is up to them!

And Life goes on...

Today, HD and I had that kind of a conversation which begins suddenly out of nowhere and ends abruptly. This time the topic was "grounds for divorce"! What would be the reason for divorce if we divorce. I don't know if normal couples discuss things like these, but we do from time to time. Last time, it was "will your ghost come and haunt me if you die and I remarry"!!

The Overcoat

Today I read the short story "The Overcoat" by Nikolai Gogol. Sadly, this is the first piece of Russian literature I am reading but glad I started at some place. (Few weeks back I read Jhumpa Lahiri's "The Namesake" and the novel refers to this short story by Gogol and the main characters name in "Namesake" is Gogol too. So I got curious and found the story.)

The story brought me almost to tears even before I finished it. I had a lump in my throat as soon as I started reading it and I cannot remember any other short story which has moved me so. It reminded me of O.Henry's "The Gift of Magi" but only the emotion I felt not the story itself.

"The Overcoat" is about a middle-aged man named Akakiy Akakievitch. He is an uninteresting man who leads an uninteresting life until he gets himself a new overcoat to protect himself from the horrible Russian winter.

"There exists in St. Petersburg a powerful foe of all who receive a salary of four hundred rubles a year, or thereabouts. This foe is no other than the Northern cold, although it is said to be very healthy."

A few hours of happiness for Akakievitch and it is all snatched away at the end of the day by a terrible event. The story does not end abruptly and I like the way Gogol goes on with it. That does not mean it has a happy ending either but at least it softens the blow and that’s a relief for softies like me. Also, Gogol writes a sad story with a slight funny note to it and that only adds contrast, in my opinion. Although the story is in the 19th century, the bureaucracy is the same we experience even today. The "Do you know whom you are speaking to" and "The Superiors not mingling with the people below their ranks" reminds me of the very same situation we see today.

"The Overcoat" is considered to be one of the classic short stories of all times and also one of the most popular, so enough has been said about it. And nothing, a person like me who does not know anything about classics, can add to it. This is just my "I read it too and I loved it too" report. I am looking forward to read more of such stories.

Nikolai Vasilievich Gogol (1809-1852)

Why Baby?

I got a mail couple of weeks back from a friend asking my honest opinion on how a baby has changed my life, the downside of having a baby and if I would reconsider the decision to have a baby now that I have a baby!

Well, well, well! Indian women are sure coming to age these days! Imagine the same kind of thinking a decade or so back! Only the "villis in movies" had a similar thinking and you would be called a witch and be burnt if you even say something like this aloud to anyone! It’s not the case anymore and I really welcome this change! Rather than going about it mindlessly and adding to the already populated world, its better you sort out your priorities! But this does nt mean women don’t want children anymore! They just ask if they want it and just go ahead and have one (or two). Probably it will take another decade or so for Indian women to actually say "I chose not to have children"! Now, we are too involved with our family, we give in to social pressures and we really care what people think about us!

Coming to the question, I don’t think I can express myself correctly! I can say "It depends on the individual and the couple put together" and get away diplomatically! But I will try anyway! The first thought that comes to my mind is, you will never regret the decision if you decide to have a baby! One reason being we all have such enormous egos that we will never accept we made a bad decision or we are a failure! We will just make the best of what we have and go about it especially since it’s a decision billions and billions of people have already made, are making and going to make! So you are not unique! Also, the whole thing might turn out to be quite enjoyable and you might have one angelic baby in your hands!

Babies do change your world but that is because you change it willingly! I am not saying its easy being a parent in these days especially for a woman! It’s such a tough job that we start having renewed respect for our mothers and every mother in the world! What we thought was easy and simple will become the toughest thing we ever did! It still boggles my mind how things look so simple when you are not doing it!

Right from the pregnancy, things become difficult! Then the labour, a procedure which has nt changed since Eve gave birth to her baby! In this world and technology, you would think something would have changed to make labour easy and painless! But, no! That’s one thing God does nt want to hand over to us as yet or ever! And when you are physically battered and emotionally drained and hate the sight of your husband and keep asking the question "Why? Why? Why?" several times to yourself, there’s the new baby everybody is excited about except you and whom you have to feed and everybody is excited about that too except you! You read "Breast feed or die trying" almost everywhere you look and you try and try and try! If it’s easy for you, then you have one less worry!

If you have your mother or someone helping you at the beginning, life is a little easier! At least you don’t have to cook and there’s food when you are hungry! (Which is all the time!) If you are managing on your own, then I touch your feet! By the time you have got a hang on breastfeeding, you would have forgotten how the world looks outside and how fresh air feels like! Breastfeeding in public is a myth, if you ask me, especially if you are shy and easily embarrassed!

The only thing the baby knows is to cry and after a while you hear the baby even while s/he is sleeping and giving you a break for few minutes! You can’t take a bath leisurely, can’t go out without having to worry about a million things! Sleep is something you did in the past! Eating out was in your past life! Going out for a movie will be your ultimate desire in life! For the first three months, it is horrible! But the good thing is that time just flies by! By the end of it all, you are either used to all the stuff or life just gets better!

The first smile, the first laughter, the first time they roll over, the first bath you give them on your own, the first time they grab your finger, the times they baby-talk to you, the 100s of expressions they have already mastered - all these things make every struggle completely worth it!

You might ask "Why did I decide to have a baby" once in a while to yourself but it’s no different from the vain "Why did I marry" question knowing very well you could nt have got a better guy for yourself! Parenthood is also a very humbling experience! You become more tolerant and patient! The times you raised your eyebrows at babies crying and throwing tantrums and you thought the parents were doing a bad job, wait till you have one! Ha, ha ha! Life plays a very cruel joke on all of us!

And not to mention what your gene pool is going to unleash! Did your mother tell you that you were a difficult child, fasten your seat belts; you are in for a tough ride!
You are never prepared for this! You never know what you are getting into irrespective of how many books you read, how many moms you speak to! You just have to take the plunge! But just make sure you have a solid marriage before doing so! Spend a year or two and do the things you want to do just being a couple!

If you decide against having children, there will always be a nagging doubt whether you took the right decision all your life! (And there will be only million incidents to remind you about that) But if you do have one, you will never regret it! Yes, that toothless, gummy smile the baby gives just for you alone is worth everything in this world!

Synopsis:
During the first trimester of pregnancy: Oh, I don’t feel any different! Life is great!

2nd trimester: Things are getting a little difficult, but not bad!

3rd Trimester: I can’t walk, I can’t sleep, I am always uncomfortable but it’s bearable!

Towards the due date: How long? I can’t wait for this baby to come out!

During labour: This is hell! What did I do to deserve this? I want to die!

After labour: Huge relief! Its over with!

Couple of hours later: "Adopt! Don’t get pregnant" advice to friends and sister!

Couple of days later: "When I meant adopt, I meant a puppy not a baby" advice to sister!

Couple of weeks later: When will the crying stop? Will life get better??

Couple of months later: Mommy, don’t go! Don’t leave me like this!

Sometime during the fifth month: A Second baby does nt sound so bad to me now!

Happy Parenting! :)

What is my love?

Click here here to read a wonderful speech by Steve Jobs. It's a little old, though. Really inspiring. If only someone could tell me what I really love...

Principles? What Principles?

My previous blog made me think:

How come the few principles I have in my life just vanish into thin air when it comes face to face with comfort?

Conscience: Be environment friendly and use cloth diapers!
Logic: Who will clean the mess, wash the cloth, sterilize it, dry it? No way! Disposables are the best!

Conscience: Use more burp cloths and bibs!
Logic: When the baby is spitting up, I can’t go look for a "Spit-up
cloth"! It’s just a marketing ploy! Why else do we have tissues for?

Conscience: Warm the bottle in boiling water! Save water!
Logic: The baby is hungry and crying; warm it in running water! Save time!

Conscience: Switch off the TV if you are not watching!
Logic: I will forget to switch it on again during my favourite program! I need background noise all the time!

Conscience: Go for a walk everyday at least for 30 mins!
Logic(s): It’s raining!
The baby is sleeping/crying/hungry/cold/cranky!
I am tired!
I have work to do!

Conscience: Have SOME principles!
Logic: Who is going to judge me?

I am ashamed!