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February 19, 2007

Is it the kid or the mom?

Ashu is by no means gentle all the time. But I know her enough to predict whats coming. Sometimes just by the way she walks to another child, I know if shes going to snatch the toy from that child or just touch the child or push her/him. Not always but most of the times. So I act accordingly. When we go to a park or some party, I'm always supervising her and seeing how shes behaving with the other children. One, it makes me understand my child and two, it also gives me time to stop her if shes going to behave badly. But some parents just let their children loose once they reach the park or the party. They have no idea how their kids are behaving towards other kids or generally what they are up to. And I mean kids between 2 to 4. Some parents just stand there and stare even if theirs kids are behaving badly. I am absolutely confused on why they are that way. To be honest, fathers are okay in these situations. They either apologize or remove the child from the scene. But the mothers are another story. They think its some kind of a battle and they ll lose it if they apologize or even acknowledge the situation. I know its tough to generalize the situations but take this case. A month back, when we had gone to the park with Ashu, there were these two boys aged 3 and 4. They both had a long wooden stick in their hands and were swishing it and hitting everyone who passed them. The mother was sitting on the park bench very near and watching. Ashu ran towards the boys and my mom and I got scared and ran behind her. We picked up Ashu just in time and my mom was hit by the boys in her back and she got really mad. The mother was sitting and watching. She made a feeble attempt to call the boys but did nt even get up from the bench. We hurriedly left the place and went to another corner. I watched the boys for some more time and they were still at it. The mother was sitting and watching. Another time when Ashu was 7 or 8 months old, she was sitting on her pram. A small boy came near her and tried to pull the toy that was hanging on the hood of the pram. He could nt and he tired to pull hard and Ashu started crying because of the jerks. I told the boy to stop but he would nt listen to me. His mother stood near him with a smile on her face. I pushed the pram and left the place. Don't you think these situations called for the mothers to act? I would have. And I expect the same from other mothers too. Whats the shame in accepting that our children behave badly sometimes and apologizing for the same?

ps.
This post was in my draft for a while unfinished.
This post by Gauri inspired me to finish it.

21 comments:

mommyof2 said...

Ohh these things get me so mad. Once a girl was doing the same & I told her mother to stop her after the 10time she tried to pull the stroller.. that stupid lady still didn't get the clue & went to bother another kid..

SM said...

I hear u..I wanted to do a post on this as well. Have left a comment on Gauri's post.
The irony is, while the moms sit there and do nothing to stop the brattish behaviour, try saying something to these very brats (no offence to Mad Momma)and they'll rush to defend them.

Delhi_Tamilan said...

I am not sure if i'm eligible to post a comment here since i'm not yet married.. never the less i go ahead.. i just feel that the north indian moms are mostly fall into the category that you have described.. as far as i have seen, south indian moms are more protective abt their child and they like to keep a 24*7 eye on them... konjam bayam jasthi.. inga (for e.g. delhi).. they just allow the kids to do wht they want.. namabala madiri payam ellam kedaiyadhu..

Terri said...

It's funny d_t said exactly what I was thinking when I read the post. I didn't want to comment and be accused of racism, but a lot of northern Indian moms have a "koi nahin, bachcha hai" attitude when their kids engage in bratty behavior.

Orchid said...

Couldn't agree more!

B o o said...

Mommyof2 - It always baffles me when rude people are rude all the time and nice people cant be rude even if the situation demands it. Mebbe Im just a coward. Ok, I AM a coward!

SM - Exactly and we have to be wary of both offense and defense!!

B o o said...

DT - Hmm... Im trying to categorize my friends and look in that angle. Its partly true I guess. At least the South Indian mommies being protective that is! But the mother and sons at the park were south indians. As always, you can never genaralize these things. And such observations from a single guy? Im impressed! :)

Terri - You think so too? Someone has to do a research on this topic I guess. "Why should Southie mommies relax a bit and let the kids be kids for a while" and "Why should Northie mommies tighten the reins around their kids a bit more" perhaps? Will make an interesting subject! ;)

Orchid - You mean you agree with DT and Terri too? Elaborate please.

mommyof2 said...

"COMMENT ABOUT NORTH INDIAN MOMS" thats not fair.. I think it depends on individuals.. Im north Indian mom & as boo mentioned I keep an eye on my kids every second. I don't tolerate bad behavior from my kids..

me said...

..off topic...boo eppadi keereenga...? dentist kitta poitu vandheengala...?

itchingtowrite said...

I really dislike when kids mis behave and moms & dads stay silent. But to be fair upon the poor parents, sometimes it's really impossible to control one's kids. I have seen it happen and one of my friends confided abt her kid hitting others for no reason. On another occassion a friend's kid was scratching at mine. There are kids who simply do not get it that it is wrong to hit or misbehave and if you hit back at them they take it as a challenge. If there is a middle path, I am ignorant of it, but sometimes i think it's best to ignore or take away the child being hit so that the offendor does not get the pleasure of getting noticed. May be they are attention seeking kind and feel this is the best way to get noticed. sorry a mini post here

SM said...

DT and Terri's comments-Its not fair to generalize I guess. But if you put 10 moms and their kids together, more often than not, u'll find that the north indian mommies(NIM) have the attitude echoed by Boo by the south Indian mommies(SIM) constantly make sure that their kids behave. Its got to have something to do with the culture and lifestyle.
No offence to NIMS or SIMS.
Personally I am a south Indian born and brought up in north india. So i consider myself a NIM with SIM attitude for kids behaviours.
Ok if i write anymore, I am sure i'll lose all my blogpals.

The Mad Momma said...

ouch! ouch! ouch!!!! poor little ashu.. and poor North Indian moms!

i would have corrected the kids if the mother did nothing.

SM - no offence taken. i named him Brat knowing it had plenty of negative connotations!!!

And as a part north indian part south indian mother... i must say that such generalisations are unfair. you'd need a proper sample survey before saying something like that. i am glad however that the observation at least didnt come from Boo, the author of the post.

Delhi_Tamilan said...

nice to see so many varied opinions from different sector.. just to elaborate more on my observations.. During Winter (delhi) even at this age (btw i'm not too old ok!) my mom says dont roam outside as it is very chilly outside.. etc.. while I could see from my window all small kids playing at the park at around 7:00 pm (truly it wud be too cold outside).. in a way i guess it's good.. because they become more strong and not like me who get easily infected of these frequent climatic conditions.. because i wasn't as exposed at my childhood days as these kids are.. Basically leaving aside NIM or SIM (as someone cutely named it!), it is always the way the moms are brought up which reflect on kids i guess.. and another thing, if grand mother is still in house it wud certainly be a good effect on kids, since even if the moms aren't that controlling, the GM does ensure the kids aren't behaving in any ruthless manner... but finally it's the mom who shud hold the responsibility of its child behaviour.. (okay romba athiga prasagi thanam panniten... edhavadhu thappa irundha as usual.. forget and forgive.. )

SM said...

I comment yet again!
Yes, the generalization is rather unfair and one would need to have a proper sample to make a statement. However, my observation was just that-an observation, arising out of experience. Again, the NIMS in my housing complex may be particularly indifferent or the SIMS particularly careful.
And I have ticked off several moms for correcting their kids! That is a kind of affirmation for the kids-mom is right and aunty is a witch!

Orchid said...

Oh vow..this post has taken a different turn all together..especially with NIMS/ SIMS discussion and let me get in on the action too :)
Boo, my originla comment was for your post.. I agreed with you 100 % on accepting that our children are capbale of misbehavior and that we need to correct them.

Second, I am a SIM and I don't know too many NIMS but c'mon it is not only unfair but rude to generalize....I know of many SIMS who not only let their children misbehave but also misbehave themselves.. I wrote a post previously about badly behaved Indian parents at the local library here in Dallas sometime back and I was embarrased....but I would stay away from categorizing and generalizing. Bottomline, watch how you behave and also how your kids behave especially when you are outside of your own space.

Anonymous said...

Hi

It's great to see what you have done with this page.

Working around blogger's lack of "categories" (which wordpress has and is a great feature) you have created pages and put links to posts falling under categories.

Is there anything i need to know to create something similar? pls to tell.

- A newbie @ blogging but hardcore blog hopper who has left comments earlier in your blog:-)

B o o said...

Mommyof2 - I agree. It absolutely depends on the individual.

Me: Im so happy for your concern. All good now. Got to do some work on the teeth but nothing urgent so may be in my next India trip.

Itchy - I totally understand the kids. Its the parents who do not acknowledge or apologize which pisses me off. Do you think they ll stay quiet if we scolded their kids?

B o o said...

SM - Personally I have had a group of friends in which the NIMS were carefree and SIMS were protective. Another group where NIMS were extra protective and SIMS who completely ignored their kids. So I guess it depends on the people and whom we have had a chance to observe.

MM - Forget correcting, I cant even ask a kid to STOP when his/her parents are around. Its their job, dammit!

DT - I get it. I see it here in Swiss too where the local kids are playing in the fountain and getting drenched and Desi kids standing in a corner and watching. ;)

B o o said...

SM - Pray tell me how to correct those kids. I need to learn it badly!

Orchid - Right on! I read that post you mentioned and was totally appalled. I was embarrassed myself while reading about that. I just hope with all this judging I am at least half good as I hope to be as a parent! ;)

B o o said...

Newbie Anon - I just created a new post with an old date and put up links in them. Not a great idea but it works. But I think with the new Blogger version, you can apply labels to the posts and categorize them. Did you try that?

Anonymous said...

Thanks boo.
I had added the labels to the post
but forgot to add the label widget as page element. duh!

newbie blogger
very old blog hopper