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March 09, 2007

For The Mad Momma.

An online baby shower for MM.

Now I cant be left behind, can I? Why stop with a picture? Heres some pregnancy humor for you MM to distract you for a while. Keep smiling and heres wishing you a smooth labor and even smoother breast feeding, diaper changing, cleaning, feeding, bathing, dressing, sleeping,... OK I ll stop here! ;)

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.


Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Because you're fatter then they are.

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out your pregnant.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only---doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.


Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

13 comments:

The Mad Momma said...

HA HA!LOL...I wish you could see me... I am laughing my ass off and look like a bowl of unset jelly!!!!! this was too cool.. i love your sense of humour in general but finding these jokes was priceless!! thanks a ton boo!!!

Kowsalya Subramanian said...

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first

This one was too good.. Boo.

Pooh said...

That was good.. gave me the much need laugh for the day!

Dubukku said...

:))
Have linked you in the DP

http://www.desipundit.com/2007/03/09/badmomma/

The Visitor said...

Complimenting you on your posts is redundant. But this was hilarious. ROFL. :D

Kumari said...

Been a lurker, but this was so mind-blowingly hilarious, i had to surface:D

B o o said...

MM - It was my pleasure. Its the least I could do for all the inspiration I get from you.

Kowsalya - I know!! :)

Pooh - I am glad.

B o o said...

Dubukku - Im honored! :) Net lendhu suttu pottadhuku
ivlo mouse aa? ;)

Visitor - I laughed when I read them too and thought it would be perfect for MMs shower, being the party clown I am! :)

Kumari - Welcome! Im glad you delurked!

Orchid said...

Haha..boo, thanks for the laugh..they were brilliant!

Tharini said...

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

I sooooooo identify with this one. :)

I was holding my sides and laughing the whole time reading this, my Mom thought I'd gone nuts!

Goofy Mumma said...

Amazing... simply amazing sense of humour. Really funny and smart ones at that. Loved reading them. Had just been surfing blogs, I guess I am hooked onto yours now.

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